Feelings...

I can say that it still feels surreal. Looking at myself in the mirror everyday, is a huge reminder that "you have cancer girl." When Jody shaved my head I thought the feeling of losing my hair was dealt with. Taking control of what was inevitable was my plan. I was taking action. Sadly, the pain of losing what was left of my hair has put me through a few tears. I keep reminding myself, just because you cry doesn't mean your weak. It means you're human. It means exactly what you wanted it to mean. I'm a women battling cancer. I'm a women with tears of strength, and I'm a women who takes every moment in, feels it, surrenders to it and then, lets it go.

My sister Shelly called me one day and said, " Jules, in your darkest moments, you picked yourself  up off that floor. You took control and moved." I don't go back to those days, for I couldn't even explain the fear that consumed me. I can say this though, I'm not going to let some word "Cancer" define me! Cancer is only a word of fear, and I choose to not let it scare me, I choose to embrace "Julie's Quest" and help someone else find there inner peace.

 

The past couple weeks, I got the pleasure in taking Mackenzie's grad dress shopping. She found the most beautiful dress. We had a beautiful day, and surprisingly I kept the tears in. On a side note....we were both offered jobs at BCBG. Ha Ha.

 

Everyday has been a blessing and I was surprised with the energy I did have on my good days. Sunday we will all set up the tree and enjoy each other..lol..Probably run into a few arguments, but that's our home. A bunch of opinionated ladies..haha.. (As for Tim.... He'll just go grab a Kokanee..)

 

Most of my days before Cancer, I was happy. I laughed lots, and during the days following cancer, I have enjoyed life and laughed more.. If that is even possible?! Like I said before, " I have cancer, cancer doesn't have me... Well, it took my f--king hair..lol.. Do I still have the tears, of course I do. I think tears and giggles are good for the soul. I've never tried to hide the person I am, so I'm not going to start now. I'm grateful today, and I'm lucky to have the amazing family(s) that I do. I'm darn lucky I have my senoritas.

November 25th I go for blood work, and if my blood counts are good, Chemo November 26th. I do still get anxiety knowing I have to put all those meds in my body, but I soon remind myself it's helping me get better. It's my insurance to a healthier, stronger Julie!!

loves to all of you, and keep smiling!

 

Days after treatment...

To all who have asked how my first treatment went?  I'm on day 6 and with just a few side effects, I've been doing AWESOME. It's still weird looking at myself without hair. LOL.. Most times I giggle at myself and sometimes I have a little tear. It's just so surreal still. Everyday, I get stronger and learn something new about myself. Sometimes facing the fears and the unknowns can be overwhelming but that's life, right? We sometimes fall and get up, we sometimes fail, and get up. It's a reminder that WE can learn and grow with each experience we have.

I HAVE CANCER, CANCER DOESN'T HAVE ME!

A place I go to walk with my sister Lori. I  look forward to to these walks. Helps my nerves..

Fish Creek Park in the summer, such a beautiful place to go and just be.. Me, myself and I.

I will continue smiling and laughing hard. In life it's what we do to better our days. We can sit or we can continue on moving. Some of my days will be challenging, but I will make sure I do it with a smile! xo

So touching

Thank you to everyone. I have many people to thank for helping me through this difficult time. Kristi, Debbie, Cindy, Maria who are living proof of kicking cancers ass, without you guys helping me through this crazy, Mind fuck of a time I'd be lost. You guys took some of the darkness away. Angela, thank you for all your love and support. It shows much strength, courage and love to help me with my Quest while you're battling your own. You have been my eyes when I couldn't look any further. I'm proud of you Ang!  I'm looking forward to having drinks with all you lovely ladies. To my beautiful daughters from the fort, you all know who you are, I love you guys and miss your loud ass, dancing, crazy personalities in my house.

To MY beautiful daughters. I love you guys so much and couldn't be more proud of you all. I will forever be in your corner.

My daughters Madison and Mayson and Madison's friends (Aspen) did up these shirts and ran. Ironically it was the same day of my surgery. I was so moved.

Here is one of my Ninjas.

Here is Kristi sporting some fighting power for herself, me and other women. So Proud.

And here are my Ash, Syd and Nicole running for the cure, running for there future.

I am so grateful and can't evn express.

 Love you!

To all the beautiful people in my life...

I want to share some of the amazing things that my family and friends were so kind to do for me. I'm so blessed to have these people in my world. I can't express enough how grateful I am to have each and everyone of you in my life. A lot of my friends throughout this Quest have send flowers, bought me little gifts, and have cooked wonderful meals to show there support, so thank you. Xo

I had this tattoo picked out for me a good few months ago. Those two words spoke so many words to me, but now they sing. I can only be so grateful for the life I choose and looking forward to the life I want!

My Sis Jods gave me this card with a beautiful Necklace that I will post under this. I can't express enough how fucking lucky I am to have her walk this Quest with me. She has been my rock and my voice. Thank you my dear Sis for making this walk easier every step of the way.

It is an angel wing. It came with two, but I gave her the other to wear, so we feel connected when she's not right beside me. It's a twin thing. Some can handle it and some question it, but we are the ones loving it and couldn't be more lucky than to have each other.

My Girlfriend Siobhan requested  I receive this handmade quilt donated by Victoria Quilts Canada. I was so moved by this gesture, and a wonderful women came to my door and delivered it personally. She said " this quilt will keep you warm while your in treatments, and the ladies who made this quilt made it by loving hands to give you warmth and comfort." I broke down and cried, for I thought it was a beautiful thing for my friend to do but a great foundation to help all with cancer.

www.victoriasquiltscanada.com.  There is also an American website, just not sure of it.

Here are some of the beautiful flowers I received from so many.  I couldn't put all the arrangements up, but please know I'm thankful for all who sent some and they made my house look fresh and vibrant. It was great to have such beauty in my house for those days of sadness. xoxoxoxo

Here are some angels that Patricia and Donna gave me to keep me safe while I embark on this quest. I also got this beautiful Necklace from a friend, Kayln. It was such a great surprise to receive this in the mail. Thanks ladies for the love and support.

Haircuts.

This was written by my one of my daughters friends Miranda. She is such a blessing in my life.

Jody did my first cut! It was teary. My youngest had a hard time with it. But we all got through it.

End result. Wasn't bad. We cut a good few inches off, but I embraced the change.

Second Haircut! Went a lot shorter.

This day, I was just playing around with what hair I knew was almost going to go. I tried to enjoy as much as I could with the hairdos. Ha..

Oncologist day and day 1 of first round of chemo

I met my Oncologist and he explained what kind of meds I will be taking. I will be having 6 treatments every 3 weeks. The first 3 are a bit hard, because I'm young they want to hit it hard. The last 3 aren't as harsh. I said ok, lets do this. He then said we need to book you in for an ECG..Arg, another test! Yes, more baseline tests. He also wanted me to do a chest x-ray and bone scan . I said, " my surgeon didn't request those?" He then said, "well I'm your Oncologist and I would like you to take them." I started to cry, because I hate the tests. After the scare with the liver I didn't want to do anymore tests. I told my Oncologist this, and he said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. So I decided to wait and take them for later. I'm someone who can't live with the unknown, especially now. I was a smoker for 24 years. I knew what my lungs looked like, I told him. Ugly, dark and spotted. He said, "yes your probably right, but you no longer smoke remember." That's right, I quit August 24th. He made me feel a bit better. But please. The things we do to our body, to only be faced with the consequences.

Chemo day came quick! My sister Jody came with me and Tim met us at the hospital later. Jody promised she will be there for everyone if the weather is good. We got to hospital and they called my name. I was strong until that point. I started to cry, Jody cried with me and our beautiful nurse got teary eyed and made us feel a lot better. She got me all ready for meds, explained everything that was going to go on. Jods and I started crying again. My nurse then looked at me and said, " I have some Ativan, would you like to take it?" I didn't hesitate. I gobbled it down;)

On my way to the hospital for my first treatment. I look pumped?? Not so much. Just getting my warrior on!!lol..well I tried..haha

Jods and I still smiling. With sadness we must triumph on and be happy.. " I've got you babe." Here I go singing to myself again. geez..

Me all plugged in to the meds that will kick cancers ass!! It didn't hurt at all. I was afraid of that, but all was good and very comfortable. To the nurses and volunteers thank you for making my first visit warm, comfortable, informative and thank you, thank you for the giggles..

Well I think I'm ready to Post and share to all my family, friends, and to anyone who needs a little love, support and encouragement. You are not alone. I will be posting my days with you all so you all have answers and so that you can all follow Julie's Quest. Love to you all. xoxo

Here was the last cut Jods did before shaving my head. My daughters were with us and we cried and laughed. I think that was the day it became a little more real for my beautiful daughters. It was great to see them continue to stay strong through it all. After the shaving, my oldest daughter (Mackenzie) did up my makeup. She made me feel beautiful. Then we took pics all night.

I am now believing in tomorrow. I have had many ups and downs during this QUEST, but still find it in my nature to sing, smile and laugh hard. Life brings us things we feel we have no power over, but to all you who read this never forget we are strong and we fight. We are warriors.

My Mackenzie, wrote this the day after my head was shaved. She has been so strong for me in ways where the laughter just roars when she does one of her goofy impressions. Just having her in the room brightens the darkest days. I am so blessed to have such beautiful girls who think of others and who walk with pride and dignity.

Day of surgery and follow up..

Tim and I headed to the hospital early morning to get all set up for surgery. The staff there were all so very friendly. They made me laugh and told me many feel good stories.  After about 4 hours of prepping they came for me.  As I said my tearful goodbyes to Tim, they whisked me off to the room where my recovery would begin.

 

As they wheeled me to the operating room, all I could see was white.  Thankfully soon after that I was welcomed to a room full of beautiful people.  And they all wanting to fix me! I was a bit shaky and found myself calming down quickly. I asked " hey did you give me something already," Anaesthesiologist said, " well, yes I did, how do you feel?" I started telling him stories on how I felt....and that's all I remember.

I woke up a wee bit drugged but felt little pain. I was in recovery for a few hours and Tim was there to take me home and to my surprise, there was my Jody and my beautiful girls. They were all giggling at me. I must have been pretty out of it. Soon after, I  headed home.  That evening I threw up a few times from the drugs and was very much looking forward to the morning..

When I awoke I felt great.  I was a little sore, but it was very manageable. It was nice knowing I had Jody there to do the things I couldn't..lol.  She actually did everything and let me relax. She was very helpful.

Remember this night....bahahahahahahha good times and always laughing. Loves to you!

 

After surgery, I had a few days of pain but was pretty much back to myself, other than waiting for pathology report. I was so confident that they got it all and all I would have to do was Radiation. Wishful thinking, but I was hopeful.

On Oct. 2nd I was called in to get my pathology report. It felt like forever for our Surgeon to come in and give us the news.. He sat down, asked how I was feeling, checked my incisions and then proceeded to give me the results.

"Well Ms. Julie, your lump is actually smaller than what they biopsy reported." he looked relieved as he continued to read.  "It was only 1.1 cm and the reports on the tissue I removed around the tumor are negative. The margins are clear!" Tim and I sighed in relief but that was short lived.  As he silently read on his expression changed and appeared to read something twice. We knew what was coming wasn't good. He looked up at us and spoke in a slower, softer tone. "We removed 10 lymph nodes plus the Sentinel Node and they all came back negative except for the Sentinel.  I am very sorry to tell you that it came back positive.  The Sentinel has evidence of cancer cells." What a sec!!!  Back up please!  He kind of whipped his face and looked down and as if he was talking to himself and says "I am very, very surprised.  This I did not expect."  Then he looked right at Julie and said "You should be so proud of yourself for finding this!"

I was a bit confused and in shock but I knew because of that one $*&$#&$ lymph node, I will require Chemo! I was devastated. I was so hopeful it wasn't in any nodes. What a let down. Having such a small lump and got in one node only told be Cancer is a real BITCH!  To make matters worse, my surgeon informed me that he will be ordering a complete abdomen ultrasound for a baseline test. I hated knowing I had to do more tests. It scared me to do those. What if it's somewhere else? I can handle the breast cancer. I can fight that BITCH, just please, please... please........ don't throw anything else at me!

I talked to a lot of people that day and cried. I was so angry. Angry I didn't go for my mammogram last year. If I had gone last year would it be in that node. So many questions and what ifs, but in reality it is what it is.

 

I received a call from my dear friend Jill, and I cried. She said cry as much as you want. I told her I hate these test, so we came up with a plan to feel like I was at a spa. We had some giggles and the very next day I went and picked up my spa shades.

I went into my ultrasound wearing these. I didn't want to take a glance at the tech. I start reading into things and over analysing. Putting these on allowed me to think of my loved ones. MY GIRLS..my dreams, my reasoning.. I was just being me... away from this place

I left feeling good. Still scared of course, because now they are looking at every organ in your abdomen. As I got home I chilled out for a bit.

 

Two hours later I received a phone call that took me into the darkest place I have ever been. I went from Julie to possessed in 10 seconds. It was my family doctor's office telling me they got result back from the ultrasound and I need to get there ASAP.  I dropped the phone. I went so evil that Tim couldn't even calm me down. He had called the doctors office wanting answers but they kept telling him they couldn't say anything and my family doctor doesn't give info over the phone.

I am now freaking out. I mean I'm screaming out loud, crashing to the floor. The things I did that day, I felt out of my body. I felt crazy, but it was the fear that took over every part of my being. I was losing hope.

Tim told me it was my surgeon's receptionist that was to call me, not my doctor. At this point I'm not hearing a word he is saying. He had no idea what had come over me and couldn't handle it. He was afraid for me, and called my sister Lori to come over asap.  That wasn't a great idea, but none the less here she was in my bed with me trying to calm me down.. Wasn't working.

Tim finally got in contact with the receptionist at my surgeons clinic and she was amazing. She could hear me screaming and crying and probably throwing things. She had told Tim what they had seen on ultrasound, but she felt it important to talk to me. I get on the phone in a panic, and she starts talking in a soft, rational voice. "Julie, hon you have to calm down. They found a spot on the liver. They are not saying cancer. They are indicating that it's a fatty infiltration or a hemangioma, but because of your diagnosis we have to look further, so we must send you for a CT scan." I calmed down slightly and told her that I couldn't handle anymore tests.  At this point I was so worn out I just told her book the test.

I do want to express how wonderful she was. I'd use names to identify all the wonderful nurses, but I'm not sure I can. So I'm just gonna leave it as "my team" or doc, surgeon, nurses. etc..

I calmed down finally over a much needed drink of a fine red wine. I was so crazy and Tim was so worried. From what he said, is he has never seen that JULIE before. Well, hell no! I'm usually smiling or giggling. On this day, especially it was hard because life stopped. Later on in the days to follow I was giggling at how I reacted that day, but also didn't want to think about it.

I went for CT scan on the 17th of Oct. and wore my pretty little mask that helped so much during these tests. I didn't want to learn anymore. I didn't want to know I was claustrophobic. I didn't want to see lights, or faces. I just wanted to be in my zone. This time I pictured myself in Vegas...I needed to put myself in happy places. I never wanted to go back to the place I went. Never.

As for the results, they would go to Tim. I told him I couldn't handle hearing them. He wasn't pumped about that, for it was just as stressful on him. I always considered others stresses before my own, so it was hard for me to not think what it was doing to him.  I could tell, he was very stressed. He did not want to have to give me the bad news.

 

A few days later my phone rang and it was Tim. Time stopped.  He starts talking slowly, "Julie... are you ready?" I reluctantly said yes.  He paused and said, "You are clear!  No cancer in the liver!!!"  TEARS instantly!  It was a hemangioma. What a relief. Now it was time to see my Oncologist and get this treatment on a go.

 

I was so excited and to make things even better, it happened to be the weekend of a Calgary dance convention. I went to Triple Threat to watch my niece, Dani, and celebrate the news with my sister,  Jody and friends Mandy, Julia and Jaime! Grooved in my chair when watching nappytabs and almost got out of my chair grooving to showtime.

 

Later that night we went out and had a crazy night at the Unicorn. It got so crazy that my girl Mandy became apart of the band playing the cow bell and tambourine. Memories...

Lets just say, we had the whole dance floor. Oh, and I'd like to also give a hello to all the other beautiful ladies I met that night. Looking forward to another night of dancing, singing. hum time, "Here I go again on my own, looking down the only road I've ever known," or a whole lot of Bon Jovi. hahaha.