In the moment...

Hello friends! I have had a busy month since finishing my Radiation. All of my days, thus far, have been filled with Happiness. After dealing with all that ugliness this winter, I just wanted to runaway from it, and enjoy the beauty I so longed for in those darker days. 

Radiation went well. I was scared going into it. Again, it was like walking into a dark room, not knowing what was to become of you.(right from a horror flick) haha... I had no idea what was to happen.. My first day, I felt very nervous. The anxiety that came over me was crazy. You see, for me, because my CANCER was on my left breast I had to hold my breath for 20 seconds every time they radiated. Ya, I know... try holding your breath for 20 seconds..GO!!!!!!!! Just a lot to think about... I just had to do it correctly for I was afraid my organs would be damaged..I will find out on June 9, 2014 my progress, and how my body is healing. I feel fantastic, so I'm hoping good new! 

This was my bed. The first day of Radiation took about an hour. Measurements and such. In that hour, I think i contemplated running out of their 100 times.  It was like my legs had their own mind..( lets get the fuck out of here) Believe it or not, I stayed and trooped it out...As the days went by, it got easier. It was nice most days because I got to see my lady Radiologists, who were so amazing..They made every appointment comfortable. Hard to believe that the Tom Baker has been my JOB these past few months.

Two of the 4 amazing ladies that I got the bitter-sweet privilege in meeting.. I can say that being in the CANCER world you are very well taken care of. Sometimes the Docs don't say much, which sucks, but all in all the care you receive is amazing..

Their are many volunteers that come in everyday to play piano. This gentleman was one of my favourite. He would play Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, to a simple favorite of mine.. "Somewhere over the Rainbow!" It was a place to reflect, and be grateful I had today.. It allowed me to be!!

Here is the ribbon stand! Once you successfully finish Radiation you get to ring the bell, tie a ribbon, honouring what you have accomplished. I thought it would be comforting to pay tribute to, a special someone, my daddy, who lost his battle to Cancer. He was one of the most amazing spirits and I miss him everyday. His ribbon is the light blue one..The purple is for one who is still fighting, Mrs. Tonya Nixon. I love you and think of you everyday. I sent it out to the Universe that you will be a happy, beautiful source of energy that will surge through us when times seem difficult. You will help us rise above, and give us our smile when sadness tries to defeat us.Forever loved.... To all the ladies that stood beside me, who have battle Breast Cancer, Thank you for all your support and love. Without you ladies, Ang, Debbie, Cindy, Kristi, Maria, Tina, things would have been so much scarier. I have found friends in all of you, and couldn't be more proud to know we have each others hearts. When days get tough, I think we all know we can count on each other to help pick us up, even when we don't want to look up. much love.....

Through this QUEST I have learnt things about me. I have tapped into my inner self and realised i was not living my authentic self.. Fear creates a barrier, and unless you go right through it, you will never get to the next step.. A dear loving person told me, "there will be many forks and all will lead to something wonderful and unexpected."  Hearing that, amongst many other beautiful words spoken, I knew that JULIE wasn't going to hide anymore..We are faced with fear everyday, it's how we conquer the fear itself that will define us and make us better human beings. My life as I know it, is blessed. I am grateful for all that I have, and all that I WILL accomplish. My truth is my story, and man, I have an amazing one to tell. I'm excited for tomorrow, and live everyday just a little different. We all change and evolve as people. Getting the chance to live my BEST life excites me. It gives me hope...

  

Much love,

Jules xo

Giggle pic of the day!

To those of you who know me, I'm one who likes to play pranks. I also like to share pics that bring me to the ugly laugh when days get sad. Yes, I can admit, I use my family from time to time, but only in good fun.

This pic was taken the day Jody Shaved my head. It was a day of tears, so Mayson thought she would beautify her Auntie Jods..Man did she do good!!!!

Jody, you always know how to grab all the attention..lmao..You show stopper you!!

I'm crying...in laughter....


Happy Easter to all!!

Learning..

Everyday since learning I HAD breast cancer, I have taken some much needed time to reflect on my life. I have allowed myself to answer the questions that I feared. It has, thus far, been a huge learning curve, and This "Quest" of mine has brought me closer to understanding the beauty of ones inner self. I have seen things that tested every thought unspoken and I have a greater appreciation for the simple things in life.

Had another scare a few weeks ago. I only shared it with a few people for I didn't want to alarm to many of you, when really I didn't even know exactly what I was panicking about. You see, when I have to do these baseline tests to see if cancer has spread I go a bit to the dark side. It's very difficult when you're scheduled for a bone scan to only have to be told you need to go for an X-ray immediately after. You have no time to process anything- all that goes through your mind is, "fuck.. It's CANCER". 
This is where Tim comes into play with all this CANCER stuff. He's my to go to guy. He tells it as it is, and he is the man who gets all my results before I do. As hard as it is on him having to wait for that call, he does it for me! Thankfully the call he received was reassuring and informative.

 My Oncologist feels it's an old injury. We will do a follow up in 6 months. He said, " no need to biopsy that, for I know what cancer looks like, and also it didn't show up on x-rays."
I'm good with that information.. for now.

I'm on my "QUEST" in healing my mind, body and soul. I can only focus on cleaning my body up the best ways possible and one of those ways is working hard in clearing my mind. The mind is a powerful weapon, and I want it working for me not against me.

 

So this comes to my next topic of interest and that is how blessed I am to have the wonderful people in my life. I have been learning interesting ways to cope, and feel free during this QUEST. I have always wanted to touch base more into the spiritual part of my inner self. My girl friend Melanie and I would have many, many conversations about religion, beliefs, spiritual healing. You name it, we talked about it. The two of us have always had this inner interest in holistic healing and talked hours on what power the mind has.  It is the free spirits in us both that allow us to feel comfortable to speak freely without any judgement..

 

Melanie has always giving me tips and constantly reminded me of my inner strength when at times I questioned it. I call her my little guru. She knows what to say to heal the mind and to use my inner self to control the situation. A few days after my second round of Chemo I got a lovely package in the mail. It was full of goodies. Her gifts are thought out, and have much meaning. Love this about my Guru, she know me inside and out. She takes her time with finding the perfect healing measures to keep my spirits up in the way we would share it. I'm so blessed I have her to share this inner side of me with, and I'm glad she feels safe with sharing her inner thoughts with me. She is a true gem.xo

 

Here is my gift from my beautiful Guru. Some prayer beads she made me, as well as some of my favorite things. She bought me this Chakra book in which I'm finding very interesting and feeling the healing within. I just want to mention, this isn't for everyone, and I'm not saying go holistic on my ass and become the next Guru.This isn't for everyone and that's fine. I'm just wanting to share a little about me and my world and what brings me peace. Love you Melly!

 

Evening Snack

 

Raspberries, green or mint tea

 

Aromatherapy for the body, soul and mind

 

Chakra healing

 

 

I

 A women who speaks to us all!

 

Here are two other awesome reads. Kris Carr is such an inspiration and any Kick ass Cancer patient should read her stuff. I felt empowered reading her book, and will continue to support her.
Kitchen Cures should be in your hands. So many great tips, ideas, methods. My big sis Lori got this book for me and I love it!

Well folks, it's time for bed. I have my 3rd round of Chemo tomorrow. Yippy! I will let you all know how that goes before the holidays begin. Also I need to thank a few ladies that came to visit me a couple weekends ago.. Oh, and I also got another little treat in the mail.. I will post in next couple days. Geez, now that  I think about it.. I have a few other things to post..Ok. Night, night.

Much love,

Jules

Quote of the day...

 
 
 



Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation.

- unknown

When Julie needs a good laugh................

This pic here, is all I need to get me through a bad day. Thanks Shiv for allowing me to capture this pic on your camera. lmao... I hope all of you enjoy, and when in a horrible mood.. Think of my Niece and Nephew.

So touching

Thank you to everyone. I have many people to thank for helping me through this difficult time. Kristi, Debbie, Cindy, Maria who are living proof of kicking cancers ass, without you guys helping me through this crazy, Mind fuck of a time I'd be lost. You guys took some of the darkness away. Angela, thank you for all your love and support. It shows much strength, courage and love to help me with my Quest while you're battling your own. You have been my eyes when I couldn't look any further. I'm proud of you Ang!  I'm looking forward to having drinks with all you lovely ladies. To my beautiful daughters from the fort, you all know who you are, I love you guys and miss your loud ass, dancing, crazy personalities in my house.

To MY beautiful daughters. I love you guys so much and couldn't be more proud of you all. I will forever be in your corner.

My daughters Madison and Mayson and Madison's friends (Aspen) did up these shirts and ran. Ironically it was the same day of my surgery. I was so moved.

Here is one of my Ninjas.

Here is Kristi sporting some fighting power for herself, me and other women. So Proud.

And here are my Ash, Syd and Nicole running for the cure, running for there future.

I am so grateful and can't evn express.

 Love you!

Haircuts.

This was written by my one of my daughters friends Miranda. She is such a blessing in my life.

Jody did my first cut! It was teary. My youngest had a hard time with it. But we all got through it.

End result. Wasn't bad. We cut a good few inches off, but I embraced the change.

Second Haircut! Went a lot shorter.

This day, I was just playing around with what hair I knew was almost going to go. I tried to enjoy as much as I could with the hairdos. Ha..

Oncologist day and day 1 of first round of chemo

I met my Oncologist and he explained what kind of meds I will be taking. I will be having 6 treatments every 3 weeks. The first 3 are a bit hard, because I'm young they want to hit it hard. The last 3 aren't as harsh. I said ok, lets do this. He then said we need to book you in for an ECG..Arg, another test! Yes, more baseline tests. He also wanted me to do a chest x-ray and bone scan . I said, " my surgeon didn't request those?" He then said, "well I'm your Oncologist and I would like you to take them." I started to cry, because I hate the tests. After the scare with the liver I didn't want to do anymore tests. I told my Oncologist this, and he said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. So I decided to wait and take them for later. I'm someone who can't live with the unknown, especially now. I was a smoker for 24 years. I knew what my lungs looked like, I told him. Ugly, dark and spotted. He said, "yes your probably right, but you no longer smoke remember." That's right, I quit August 24th. He made me feel a bit better. But please. The things we do to our body, to only be faced with the consequences.

Chemo day came quick! My sister Jody came with me and Tim met us at the hospital later. Jody promised she will be there for everyone if the weather is good. We got to hospital and they called my name. I was strong until that point. I started to cry, Jody cried with me and our beautiful nurse got teary eyed and made us feel a lot better. She got me all ready for meds, explained everything that was going to go on. Jods and I started crying again. My nurse then looked at me and said, " I have some Ativan, would you like to take it?" I didn't hesitate. I gobbled it down;)

On my way to the hospital for my first treatment. I look pumped?? Not so much. Just getting my warrior on!!lol..well I tried..haha

Jods and I still smiling. With sadness we must triumph on and be happy.. " I've got you babe." Here I go singing to myself again. geez..

Me all plugged in to the meds that will kick cancers ass!! It didn't hurt at all. I was afraid of that, but all was good and very comfortable. To the nurses and volunteers thank you for making my first visit warm, comfortable, informative and thank you, thank you for the giggles..

Well I think I'm ready to Post and share to all my family, friends, and to anyone who needs a little love, support and encouragement. You are not alone. I will be posting my days with you all so you all have answers and so that you can all follow Julie's Quest. Love to you all. xoxo

Here was the last cut Jods did before shaving my head. My daughters were with us and we cried and laughed. I think that was the day it became a little more real for my beautiful daughters. It was great to see them continue to stay strong through it all. After the shaving, my oldest daughter (Mackenzie) did up my makeup. She made me feel beautiful. Then we took pics all night.

I am now believing in tomorrow. I have had many ups and downs during this QUEST, but still find it in my nature to sing, smile and laugh hard. Life brings us things we feel we have no power over, but to all you who read this never forget we are strong and we fight. We are warriors.

My Mackenzie, wrote this the day after my head was shaved. She has been so strong for me in ways where the laughter just roars when she does one of her goofy impressions. Just having her in the room brightens the darkest days. I am so blessed to have such beautiful girls who think of others and who walk with pride and dignity.

Day of surgery and follow up..

Tim and I headed to the hospital early morning to get all set up for surgery. The staff there were all so very friendly. They made me laugh and told me many feel good stories.  After about 4 hours of prepping they came for me.  As I said my tearful goodbyes to Tim, they whisked me off to the room where my recovery would begin.

 

As they wheeled me to the operating room, all I could see was white.  Thankfully soon after that I was welcomed to a room full of beautiful people.  And they all wanting to fix me! I was a bit shaky and found myself calming down quickly. I asked " hey did you give me something already," Anaesthesiologist said, " well, yes I did, how do you feel?" I started telling him stories on how I felt....and that's all I remember.

I woke up a wee bit drugged but felt little pain. I was in recovery for a few hours and Tim was there to take me home and to my surprise, there was my Jody and my beautiful girls. They were all giggling at me. I must have been pretty out of it. Soon after, I  headed home.  That evening I threw up a few times from the drugs and was very much looking forward to the morning..

When I awoke I felt great.  I was a little sore, but it was very manageable. It was nice knowing I had Jody there to do the things I couldn't..lol.  She actually did everything and let me relax. She was very helpful.

Remember this night....bahahahahahahha good times and always laughing. Loves to you!

 

After surgery, I had a few days of pain but was pretty much back to myself, other than waiting for pathology report. I was so confident that they got it all and all I would have to do was Radiation. Wishful thinking, but I was hopeful.

On Oct. 2nd I was called in to get my pathology report. It felt like forever for our Surgeon to come in and give us the news.. He sat down, asked how I was feeling, checked my incisions and then proceeded to give me the results.

"Well Ms. Julie, your lump is actually smaller than what they biopsy reported." he looked relieved as he continued to read.  "It was only 1.1 cm and the reports on the tissue I removed around the tumor are negative. The margins are clear!" Tim and I sighed in relief but that was short lived.  As he silently read on his expression changed and appeared to read something twice. We knew what was coming wasn't good. He looked up at us and spoke in a slower, softer tone. "We removed 10 lymph nodes plus the Sentinel Node and they all came back negative except for the Sentinel.  I am very sorry to tell you that it came back positive.  The Sentinel has evidence of cancer cells." What a sec!!!  Back up please!  He kind of whipped his face and looked down and as if he was talking to himself and says "I am very, very surprised.  This I did not expect."  Then he looked right at Julie and said "You should be so proud of yourself for finding this!"

I was a bit confused and in shock but I knew because of that one $*&$#&$ lymph node, I will require Chemo! I was devastated. I was so hopeful it wasn't in any nodes. What a let down. Having such a small lump and got in one node only told be Cancer is a real BITCH!  To make matters worse, my surgeon informed me that he will be ordering a complete abdomen ultrasound for a baseline test. I hated knowing I had to do more tests. It scared me to do those. What if it's somewhere else? I can handle the breast cancer. I can fight that BITCH, just please, please... please........ don't throw anything else at me!

I talked to a lot of people that day and cried. I was so angry. Angry I didn't go for my mammogram last year. If I had gone last year would it be in that node. So many questions and what ifs, but in reality it is what it is.

 

I received a call from my dear friend Jill, and I cried. She said cry as much as you want. I told her I hate these test, so we came up with a plan to feel like I was at a spa. We had some giggles and the very next day I went and picked up my spa shades.

I went into my ultrasound wearing these. I didn't want to take a glance at the tech. I start reading into things and over analysing. Putting these on allowed me to think of my loved ones. MY GIRLS..my dreams, my reasoning.. I was just being me... away from this place

I left feeling good. Still scared of course, because now they are looking at every organ in your abdomen. As I got home I chilled out for a bit.

 

Two hours later I received a phone call that took me into the darkest place I have ever been. I went from Julie to possessed in 10 seconds. It was my family doctor's office telling me they got result back from the ultrasound and I need to get there ASAP.  I dropped the phone. I went so evil that Tim couldn't even calm me down. He had called the doctors office wanting answers but they kept telling him they couldn't say anything and my family doctor doesn't give info over the phone.

I am now freaking out. I mean I'm screaming out loud, crashing to the floor. The things I did that day, I felt out of my body. I felt crazy, but it was the fear that took over every part of my being. I was losing hope.

Tim told me it was my surgeon's receptionist that was to call me, not my doctor. At this point I'm not hearing a word he is saying. He had no idea what had come over me and couldn't handle it. He was afraid for me, and called my sister Lori to come over asap.  That wasn't a great idea, but none the less here she was in my bed with me trying to calm me down.. Wasn't working.

Tim finally got in contact with the receptionist at my surgeons clinic and she was amazing. She could hear me screaming and crying and probably throwing things. She had told Tim what they had seen on ultrasound, but she felt it important to talk to me. I get on the phone in a panic, and she starts talking in a soft, rational voice. "Julie, hon you have to calm down. They found a spot on the liver. They are not saying cancer. They are indicating that it's a fatty infiltration or a hemangioma, but because of your diagnosis we have to look further, so we must send you for a CT scan." I calmed down slightly and told her that I couldn't handle anymore tests.  At this point I was so worn out I just told her book the test.

I do want to express how wonderful she was. I'd use names to identify all the wonderful nurses, but I'm not sure I can. So I'm just gonna leave it as "my team" or doc, surgeon, nurses. etc..

I calmed down finally over a much needed drink of a fine red wine. I was so crazy and Tim was so worried. From what he said, is he has never seen that JULIE before. Well, hell no! I'm usually smiling or giggling. On this day, especially it was hard because life stopped. Later on in the days to follow I was giggling at how I reacted that day, but also didn't want to think about it.

I went for CT scan on the 17th of Oct. and wore my pretty little mask that helped so much during these tests. I didn't want to learn anymore. I didn't want to know I was claustrophobic. I didn't want to see lights, or faces. I just wanted to be in my zone. This time I pictured myself in Vegas...I needed to put myself in happy places. I never wanted to go back to the place I went. Never.

As for the results, they would go to Tim. I told him I couldn't handle hearing them. He wasn't pumped about that, for it was just as stressful on him. I always considered others stresses before my own, so it was hard for me to not think what it was doing to him.  I could tell, he was very stressed. He did not want to have to give me the bad news.

 

A few days later my phone rang and it was Tim. Time stopped.  He starts talking slowly, "Julie... are you ready?" I reluctantly said yes.  He paused and said, "You are clear!  No cancer in the liver!!!"  TEARS instantly!  It was a hemangioma. What a relief. Now it was time to see my Oncologist and get this treatment on a go.

 

I was so excited and to make things even better, it happened to be the weekend of a Calgary dance convention. I went to Triple Threat to watch my niece, Dani, and celebrate the news with my sister,  Jody and friends Mandy, Julia and Jaime! Grooved in my chair when watching nappytabs and almost got out of my chair grooving to showtime.

 

Later that night we went out and had a crazy night at the Unicorn. It got so crazy that my girl Mandy became apart of the band playing the cow bell and tambourine. Memories...

Lets just say, we had the whole dance floor. Oh, and I'd like to also give a hello to all the other beautiful ladies I met that night. Looking forward to another night of dancing, singing. hum time, "Here I go again on my own, looking down the only road I've ever known," or a whole lot of Bon Jovi. hahaha.

Thank you

My beautiful sis drove out from St. Albert to help me out after surgery, but before I start bragging about Jody and telling you all about surgery day, I want all of you to know that I have two older sisters Lori, and Shelly who are amazing as well. I don't ever want to neglect mentioning them because family is important.

 

It's family that matters most, and it's the love that comes from ones heart to decide certain avenues. Some not so great, but when you have a beautiful family you do anything to keep them safe and will love them unconditionally. So thank you, Mackenzie, Madison, Mayson, my daughters are my life and without them making me giggle at times or pissing me off, I might have crawled into a ball and hid. Thank you to all the men. Tim, my brother-in-laws and my XY friends. You have all been wonderful. 

 

And of course my mom. Thanks for all you do for us. We love you. 

 

 

 Thanks you to all my loves who have reminded me over the years how strong I am!

My beautiful girls with Cam apart of our family!

 

 

The wait...

I got the call from my surgeon's office informing me I was booked for Sept. 26, 2013. I was floored. That was a whole month to wait to get this cancer out. She told me that this wasn't really that long compared to others, and if she could get me in tomorrow she would. I also knew there were other women that needed to get in quicker. I understood and wrote my appointment down.

 

I also learned that I had to get mapping done a day before surgery. Mapping??? What is Mapping? My surgeon's receptionist told me it needs to be done before surgery. The correct terminology is Sentinel Node Mapping. It's a radioactive die they inject in your nipple to find the main (front line) lymph node. "You are going to put WHAT in my body?" Yes, I was freaked. To calm me down I just kept singing, "Radioactive, Radioactive." I was so lucky I had my sister Jody and Lori to come to this appointment. Like I said, your in the dark and just having someone with you calmed the storm, even if it was for just a minute or two. I was grateful for those minutes because we would just giggle. A good giggle is sometimes all you need. I went for my mapping, did a CT scan and was ready for surgery the following day.

During that time I started getting into battle mode. I mean it's not easy finding your way. There were so many words I didn't want to use when it came to my diagnosis as I was already so wrapped up in my roller-coaster emotional ride.  I know that many women use the word "Journey" when describing their own heartache with their Cancer but I was truly well into a journey of my own. I  didn't want Cancer to define me or choose my path. I wanted to control it and make it my story, so I call it Julie's Quest. Quest to me means, A to Z, power and fierce. It also makes me feel like a kickass Warrior! Haha

I am also so blessed to have a couple of amazing warriors by my side. They have been nothing but supportive and loving. These two individuals below have been in my life since I was a rockin', cool, badass teen and have always been able to make me giggle and they didn't disappoint! They call themselves my Ninjas.

This is Mama Peg. She has long been one of my favorites... always keeping me wanting to be crazy and live my life to my fullest. Sadly her strengths come from experience. Her life has gone through great pain, but never blinked an eye when hearing of my diagnosis. "Keep that convo for the garage." 

 

I love you Pegsters...

I have something absolutely hilarious for you all to read. Two days after my diagnosis, my momma Pegs wrote me this. My whole family was with me as I read this text out loud. Let's just say, it lifted all of our spirits and put us in the ugly laugh. Thanks Mamma!  Here it is for you all to enjoy...

Hey pretty lady. I think you must be psychic. I have been thinking about you constantly since Krista told me about the damn stupid cancer. I am going to be in Calgary on the 4th of September and will come and see you.

Don't worry to much its just cancer you and me and everyone else who loves you will send lightning bolts of energy at that stupid lump. It's going to flee in terror and take any of its hangers on with it.

So here's what I want you to do. Find a quiet space put on a song that's light and happy and makes you smile. for me it's brown eyed girl or feeling groovy, then sit back with a glass of wine and a fat doobie and think about all of us who love you.

Imagine we are your army aiming ninja kicks and karate chops at that cancer, but please make sure I look like Sigourney weaver in the aliens, she was one Rambo tuff broad! You can make Krista laura from from tomb raiders, Nathan should be michelangelo from the tmnt. Anyways you get the idea everyone you love, your girls your mom your friends are all this elite fighting force and we are attacking the cancer from every side. Course we are singing a jive talking as we go.

Even in battle we need comic relief. You'll probably feel warmer, battles bring up a fierce sweat(thank god you won't be able to smell us since we'll be inside you.)

Just think of everyone's love turned into this fighting force that is going to corral the cancer and starve it to nothingness!

You will win this Jules. It's gonna be scary hon I know it. Just grit your teeth and lean on all of us. Hey you made it thru tummy tuck and even if they do a mastectomy you can get bigger better boobs.

Maybe they make them with teeny tiny motors so when your bored you can make them dance and jiggle like a bowl of jelly!

Jules you are an amazing loving woman now you have to be a determined fight women. No thoughts but how your going to kick cancer in the jewels and take it down!

I am your captain baby. Every night I am going to concentrate my thoughts on your boobies.

That sounds kinda gay and creepy but I'm chuckling cause I see them doing a little dance to we are the champions!

I'll text you every day if you'd like. I think we might need a write down all your fighting forces and then get Nate to bring them to comic life.

Love you Jules always in your corner and in your booby.

Love mama peg.

Mamma Pegs beautiful daughter and my best friend for many years, Krista. Just another ninja in my booby doing their job. Love ya girl..



Surgeon day..

On August 26th I was to meet my surgeon. I already knew what kind of cancer I had. I had (ICD) Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It was a grade 2, estrogen positive and her 2- (not protein fed). I didn't really understand the lingo, so I read into it more.

Estrogen + means it feeds off the estrogen in my body

Grade 2 is how it mutates, where mine is a bit slower growing. Not as slow as a grade 1, but still slower.

Her2- means mine does not grow off protein. I wish I knew more about this, but I only knew the prognosis was good. Nobody wants to hear they have cancer, but once they do they get as educated as they can.

After meeting Dr. Rothwell (my surgeon) and his wonderful team, I was relieved to hear that they were amazed I was able to discover my Tumor. It was biopsied at a 1.3cm lump. I explained to them that it was in beautiful Osoyoos where I discovered it. All they kept saying was..."good on ya girl!" and all I kept whispering to myself was.... "thanks for looking out for me dad!"

Once the Surgeon felt around and such he sat me and Tim down to discuss the options. He said because of the small size he would rather do a lumpectomy and went on to say 80% of women with such a small lump opt for this procedure. Ultimately, it was my decision and could decide a few days before the surgery if I was to choose a mastectomy instead. I think after seeing the surgeon, I felt a little relief. Neither Tim or myself slept the nights leading up to that appointment. It was and still very much is a frightening place to be. At this point the stress was alleviated..... for now.  All I wanted was to get this damn cancer out of me!!

I have Breast Cancer

August 22, 2013 I got the call to come see my Doctor for the results. After hanging up the phone I called my sweet Jody and cried. She cried with me. I told her this, " Jody, if this is breast cancer I need you to be prepared." I needed so badly for Jody to be good if even if it was bad news. I (at that moment) was worried about Jody. I was worried because I already had that feeling, like I said in previous posts, I already knew I was up for a fight.

As I left my driveway that day, I sang over and over again Hurricane by ms mr! I was singing it so loud and hoping when I got to the doctor's office I'd hear good news. You see, I never lost the hope even knowing I was going to hear the worst.
sitting in the doctors office waiting was enough to make me go crazy. As I looked up I saw the door open and I instantly started crying. My doctor looked at me and said, " I don't have good news, Julie." She told me I had breast cancer and was teary eyed telling me. Everything else she told me was a blur. I asked her if I could take the papers and read them myself. She agreed and I was out of there.

Driving home was a bunch of phone calls and tears.. Many tears. I had breast cancer.... 38 years old wondering how could this have happened to me. The only 3 people I didn't really talk to were my beautiful daughters. I wanted to tell them in person. I knew they were waiting for me at home. As I drove up the driveway I looked at myself in the mirror, and took a deep breath. I was still crying as I opened the door to see my girls waiting for me at the table. Once we all made eye contact they knew what I was about to tell them.. All we could do was hold each other tight, and cry....

I had a lot of people visit me the weekend following my diagnosis. I needed my family. I needed to wrap my head around what was about to be my world, but instead I found myself at the bottom of a wine bottle for 2 days straight. I knew I had cancer, but I didn't want to believe it. I felt like I was in a dream. I still want to wake up. You will hear me say that often because it just feels so surreal.

Weathering the storm

I came back from Osoyoos, BC and got on the phone immediately and called to have a mammogram. They booked my in for Aug. 7. I didn't have long to wait for this appointment, but it felt like forever. I hadn't known I had cancer, but what I felt in my left breast did not feel normal. On the day of the appointment I was feeling pretty confident that everything was going to be ok.

I arrived at the clinic and there I was squishing my breast in this machine. I knew what to expect because I have done them before. Women always wonder if it hurts and I tell them, no it doesn't hurt at all. The tech had finished her screening and then came up to me oh so jolly saying I think you need to go for an ultrasound. Looking over my papers again she said, "oh, one is already scheduled for you." I was a little alarmed, seeing that the tech was sending me for an ultrasound not even knowing one was set up for me. In the past I've always done both. By this point my mind was racing. I'm starting to think that what I felt in Osoyoos was....Breast Cancer??

I got myself all prepared for the ultrasound. The Technician took many pictures. I felt like I was in there for hours. She then took many pictures under my armpit. I knew this was normal, so I didn't panic. Once she was done, she told me to wait while she asked another technician to give a second opinion on what she found.

It didn't take long for the second technician to look at my pictures and say they needed to see me in a day or two. What? All I could was cry. Everything I was fearing was becoming a reality and I hadn't even been diagnosed. As I walked out of that room I felt this uneasy feeling come over me and sobbed in the change room. A few minutes later I got myself together and went to the front desk to set up my appointment for a biopsy. To my surprise they couldn't get me in till August 19th. I had to wait 12 days to find out what that was in my breast, but deep down I already knew.

My family and I went camping to pass the time with some of the most wonderful people I know. For the most part, I enjoyed myself and tried not to think about what was possibly growing in my breast. I could shut it off, but there were some days I went through panic attacks. My sweet sister-in-law, Jilly would have to calm me down. When I look back at that trip, I now realize how enjoyable it was. We allowed ourselves to just be in the moment. I had many giggles with my brother-in-law Denis and great chillin' time with BK and TK. The kids were playing, swimming, kayaking.  A lot of memories were made this summer in Wasa.