Last Chemo and off to the second phase...

It has been a few weeks since writing. Sorry for the hold up friends, I just felt I needed to wrap my head around what I have gone through thus far. I had my last treatment Feb 19, 2014!! I was nervous the whole time. I played mind games with myself and actually thought the nurses were going to tell me I had to do more chemo. Like I said in previous posts, the strengths you have to find within can be challenging. You test your inner self many times..
The nurses at the Tom Baker were wonderful and rushed over to me, with big smiles, to let me know today is the day I get to ring the bell! I got a bit giddy knowing I finally did it. I, Julie Keith, got through 6 treatments of chemo and this phase of my QUEST was over! I was so humbled and grateful to all the nurses that made my stay comfortable and reassuring. The nurses and volunteers made all those treatments just a little less scary. Their beautiful spirits made all the difference in the world. Thank you.

You all can  imagine which bell I chose! I was so excited, and I knew once I got my hand on that bell, I would ring it load and clear. As I was sitting in the bed, I would look around me at all the people in that room waiting to ring that bell. I thought for a moment, life is bitter-sweet. One day we are running through life as though their isn't enough hours in the day. Then one day.. time stands still. As I went into this knowing nothing I came out learning " about time." Time wasn't rushed anymore, and the time I had that day was precious.
 Looking at all the faces who have laughed load, they too took time to listen, learn, reflect and forgive. We shared something that none of us talked directly about, but we all felt it. I (we) learnt that days mattered and taking the time meant another beautiful day. I learnt that through the hardest times in life we still smile. We do as much as we can everyday to just feel grateful. to feel alive.. to feel free...

 Love to all my warrior friends who continue to stand tall and fight. xo

As I sit waiting to ring that bell, I was so blessed to have two, of some, of the best people I know with me. Mrs. Jody, and Mrs. Siobhan came up for the day to celebrate this moment. I think we cried a few times, for I learnt through all of this, that this has been very difficult on my family and friends. It has brought meaning to us all, and that is, take the time cause that's all we have..Cherish each moment and live each day!

Here it is!! The moment I was waiting for. As I rang that bell all I heard around me were staff and patients clapping for me. It was a moment that still brings tears to my eyes. As I sit back on my chair, looking at this picture,  I see an awakening soul..

Here is the three of us ringing in " FUCK YOU CANCER!" It was extremely emotional at this point. Having these two with me riding this QUEST has made some really hard times seem less hard. Thank you for standing tall and reminding me - all you need is love, love...love is all you need...

My sweetest gift..Thank you for being my strength.  I know it has been extremely difficult for you to see me in all sorts of emotions. Through all that, my sis, you helped me stay strong and healthy. You gave me the strength when I needed it. You reminded me of memories that made me laugh so hard, that I think I laughed all the cancer out.

Well, finally a bald head shines your way. It took about 40 shots to get this picture.lol.. This picture was taken shortly after Jody shaved my head.. Since then, the rest of the hair fell out, and eyebrows followed after. It has been a transition looking at myself in the mirror but as the days go by, I accept the change, but I definitely have hair envy. I'm sure i'll post another head shot soon, or probably just go out once my hair grows to this length again. Wigs drive me crazy!! In the meantime, if you want to visualize me bald, with no eyebrows or make up.....Think Uncle Fester! lmao....

Now on to phase 2........

Understanding the truth...and believing in tomorrow...

January 8, 2014 I did my 4th treatment. I was expecting a different reaction to the new chemo. I heard it was different for everyone, so I thought whatever comes with this one, I can handle it! I did well with the last 3. Just thought, keep the focus and don't fall victim to what you can't control. Surrender to it and kick its ass.

Brought Tim to Chemo number 4.

 

 

My face has retained some water, and my belly will not allow me to stop eating..What?? lol

The first couple of days I felt fine, on the 3rd day I started to have pain in my legs. I was informed by my Nurse and Oncologist that this can be one of the side effects of this chemo. As the day went on the pain in my muscles started to intensify then it would start to hurt my bones. I tried so hard to stretch the pain out, but was unsuccessful. I had my daughter message my legs many times that evening and in the days following.. Nice hot baths would work too, I had many!!

My day 3,4,5 were brutal. Walking was even difficult. Advil would subside the pain, so I could rest in the evenings. I started noticing my energy level going down. The fatigue I started feeling was all so new to me. In prior treatments I didn't have to many side effects. Yes, I was a bit tired and my day 3,4,5 were emotional and filled with anxiety but after those days I felt I could function and think on a human level.

My day 6 on the last chemo to this chemo was the same. Loved my day 6!!!! I was back to feeling normal and ready for the next round. Waiting 3 weeks for every round is hard, because you just want it over and done with. I want so badly to start phase 2 of my QUEST!

As the days moved on I felt more fatigued. I thought to myself, " I don't remember feeling this tired." Maybe it's because I have more meds in me and I also have my period. I have my period almost every time I go in. Then I thought, "Kind of unusual to have a period for all these days." I just went on with the days, but I found myself crying and getting depressed. I just didn't feel so well.

On my day 9 I was not feeling myself at all. I was extremely emotional again. You see I thought I had my days pinned. Days 3,4,5 is when my older sister, Lori, contacts me to see how I am. It's like clock work. She knows those are my bad days. I always call my mom on one of those days bawling. Why the fuck am I feeling so terrible on day 9? I was talking to my sister Jods at the time(attempting to finish my workout) when all of a sudden I felt out of breath, anxiety, stress, depression....defeated.....I felt defeated!

I went to the washroom, still talking to Jody and gasped. Instantly, she asked, " Jules, are you Ok?" I then said, " I don't know, I just passed a huge clot as big as my fist?!"( to all the people who are reading after this paragraph, It may get graphic. Thought I'd give you all a head up -cheers)

In total I think I passed 30 fist size clots in 2 days. I phoned my nurse and she had said it's normal.  I actually talked to 2 nurses and if I wasn't filling a pad, then not to be to alarmed. Hmmm, really? I just had 30 livers come out of me and I'm not to be alarmed.. OK????

In the days to follow I continued to bleed. I had less clots, but never stopped bleeding. The blood wasn't filling a pad, so I thought this must be a sign of early Menopause that they say I may start while going through chemo. So I never called my nurse. I just left what was happening to my body as mother nature calling, or a chemo thing?!

On Jan, 23rd I got my sister Lori at 11:40pm to come pick me up, and take me to Emergency. I was shaking so bad and felt my body was slowly shutting down. I knew my body was telling me something.

The girls watched may that night, and I was off to the hospital. Once there they rushed me in and put me in isolation. Cancer patients have to stay away from the public, for if immune system is low then we can catch infections very quickly..

Doc, Nurses and a lot of blood was taken. Results were in and White blood counts were good, but my HGB were as low as 55 and normal is 120-160.. I gasped, and was so thankful for my girls. They pushed me to come into Emergency. If I had waited another day things could have been way worse.. Love my girlies.. That morning I had a blood transfusion. Give blood people, it saves lives!

My sis Lori stayed with me all night. This is where she tried to sleep. We would both have little cat naps. Then wake up and make each other laugh with our loud FARTS.( I learnt my sister Lori can ROAR!!...lol) Here she was sleeping waiting for results. Never left my side and has been so much help. She is a selfless, beautiful soul and I love her to the moon and back.

Love you big sis, and thank you for keeping me safe!!

 

I was sent home at 4pm that day and was so very grateful I have such powerful women fighting for me. MY family!!

 

 That weekend, my Mackenzie was moving back to Fort Saskatchewan. I was sad to see her go, but also proud of her in making this decision. This was the first big decision she has made without any influence from me. I'm just such a happy mommy knowing she had the courage and strength to move and live life. Live life for her. Sad part for me, was I couldn't help her move in because of what happened. WE share a lovely good-bye and once she left the house, I cried life a baby. I miss her so much, but also so excited for her, and can't wait to hear about some of her adult adventures.

 

 

My beautiful Kenz stepping out in the world.

This is to all 3 of you amazing little ladies in my life. Always a breath away..

 

That same weekend I had my beautiful mom, and wonderful friend Shiv come take care of me. My Mom cooked us some nice, yummy food. Having your mom with you, on days like this, just brighten the day. Shiv rubbed my feet and legs while we stayed up way to late giggling and crying. I made the mistake in not taking my sleeping pill, so Shiv fell asleep before me..Ummm, that was a bad idea...She fucking snores...And loud.. I jumped out of bed, and slammed one of my sleep easy pills..Thank god! Haha

 

 

 

 

Mom, and Shiv helped me  out so much. We had a great visit. When I'm around my family and friends I feel alive. I feel Julie! I realised it because they help me forget I HAD cancer. I have learned so may things while riding this QUEST, and that is.....

 

- ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, LOVE.....LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED

 

 

 

 

So I'm going to post a second blog tonight, so I'm up to day with chemo treatments. Stay tune and you can hear about my Number Fuckin 5!!!!!!!!!!!





Peace

3 down, 3 more to go....

My 3rd treatment was a hoot?!?! Not really, but can't complain. The Highlight of treatment days is getting to spend time with some of my favourite people. It's a place where time stands still...... It's a place where the stories never stop, and where the memories fill my heart.

Round 3: I brought my beautiful Jilly. Jill is one of my most dearest friends and I was so glad she came with me. As I  sat waiting for Jill, I had to stay strong. I'm an emotional person as is. I have a hard time seeing my loved ones hurting. As I watched Jilly walk in I could already tell she was crying, so I quickly walked away and talked about something off topic where the two of us started laughing out loud.

If you knew Jill, like I do, she doesn't cry like I cry. She has a strength that most of my friends have, and all of them can attest to calling me the "cry baby" of the group.haha Seeing her these last few months overwhelmed with emotions only expresses  how much we just adore each other. We lived our 20s together as single moms. We had no idea of time, money, or whatever else came with becoming an adult. All we knew, was living, loving and being the best we could be as parents?? haha. If  I could go back.. I would. Had no money, but lived so much life! Thankful everyday it was lived with you, my dear Jilly. xoxo

 

Throw back Christmas 2007!

 

My first 3 chemo treatments have been with my three amigos. The ones who I grew up with, who believed in me. Who stood beside me, and who always picked me up when I just wanted to stay down. I always have to make sure I show much gratitude to these amazing individuals, because without them I wouldn't be the person I am today. We will forever be bonded. All the greatness these women have shown me, only gives me the strength to be strong. xoxoxo

 So treatments have been a world wind of events, or shall I say emotions. Some days I'm great, and some days I'm a mess. It people are coughing in the house and I start to get paranoid, I wear this?! I know, I've laughed at myself over this. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that, everyday is a battle, and everyday I'm learning how to cope with understanding I HAD cancer. ;) I say HAD because I get to make the last decisions on how I'm going to feel at the end of the night. It's me who is in control of my recovery not the cancer.( who I like to call BITCH from time to time)

My body is starting to feel the effects of chemo. I get more tired throughout the day. My skin feels tight on certain days and I think my ass is growing? Come on ladies, I'm still a women and thinking of gaining weight is a wee bit scary. But, kicking( Whatever Cancer might be left) is my number 1 goal.

Do I ever feel defeated some days....hell no! I guess I've always had this inner strength to stand tall, as a solider, and fight. The tears I have are for the past, present and future. I have allowed myself to connect with many of my good, bad and ugly..haha. I will never let Cancer become me. I will surrender to it, for now, but it will never be my future. When you're a Cancer patient you don't want people feeling sorry for you. You want them to be the same with you and sadly not everyone can be that strong. I've learnt to be my honest self, and express exactly what I need. So to be a solider standing tall beside me you need to sing, dance, love, believe, and throw out to the universe positive energy. Remember our mind is a powerful tool.

This brings me to my husband, Tim. He has kept me up when some days I just wanted to fall. He's not your Moishe type. He's the solider you want! He stand tall beside me and doesn't allow any bullshit to affect my QUEST! Tim has had to deal with his own emotions, the girls and mine. He has continued to help me become a stronger person even when he's scared or sad. I couldn't be more thankful knowing I got "solider boy." haha. Love you..

Well, it's time I say good-bye to 2013 and a "FUCKING" Hello to 2014! Everyone near and far have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Throw back Christmas 2007! haha..Tim giving me a smile in a photo!!

 

Wish time stood still...Merry Christmas

 

 

 



Quote of the day...

 
 
 



Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation.

- unknown

So touching

Thank you to everyone. I have many people to thank for helping me through this difficult time. Kristi, Debbie, Cindy, Maria who are living proof of kicking cancers ass, without you guys helping me through this crazy, Mind fuck of a time I'd be lost. You guys took some of the darkness away. Angela, thank you for all your love and support. It shows much strength, courage and love to help me with my Quest while you're battling your own. You have been my eyes when I couldn't look any further. I'm proud of you Ang!  I'm looking forward to having drinks with all you lovely ladies. To my beautiful daughters from the fort, you all know who you are, I love you guys and miss your loud ass, dancing, crazy personalities in my house.

To MY beautiful daughters. I love you guys so much and couldn't be more proud of you all. I will forever be in your corner.

My daughters Madison and Mayson and Madison's friends (Aspen) did up these shirts and ran. Ironically it was the same day of my surgery. I was so moved.

Here is one of my Ninjas.

Here is Kristi sporting some fighting power for herself, me and other women. So Proud.

And here are my Ash, Syd and Nicole running for the cure, running for there future.

I am so grateful and can't evn express.

 Love you!

To all the beautiful people in my life...

I want to share some of the amazing things that my family and friends were so kind to do for me. I'm so blessed to have these people in my world. I can't express enough how grateful I am to have each and everyone of you in my life. A lot of my friends throughout this Quest have send flowers, bought me little gifts, and have cooked wonderful meals to show there support, so thank you. Xo

I had this tattoo picked out for me a good few months ago. Those two words spoke so many words to me, but now they sing. I can only be so grateful for the life I choose and looking forward to the life I want!

My Sis Jods gave me this card with a beautiful Necklace that I will post under this. I can't express enough how fucking lucky I am to have her walk this Quest with me. She has been my rock and my voice. Thank you my dear Sis for making this walk easier every step of the way.

It is an angel wing. It came with two, but I gave her the other to wear, so we feel connected when she's not right beside me. It's a twin thing. Some can handle it and some question it, but we are the ones loving it and couldn't be more lucky than to have each other.

My Girlfriend Siobhan requested  I receive this handmade quilt donated by Victoria Quilts Canada. I was so moved by this gesture, and a wonderful women came to my door and delivered it personally. She said " this quilt will keep you warm while your in treatments, and the ladies who made this quilt made it by loving hands to give you warmth and comfort." I broke down and cried, for I thought it was a beautiful thing for my friend to do but a great foundation to help all with cancer.

www.victoriasquiltscanada.com.  There is also an American website, just not sure of it.

Here are some of the beautiful flowers I received from so many.  I couldn't put all the arrangements up, but please know I'm thankful for all who sent some and they made my house look fresh and vibrant. It was great to have such beauty in my house for those days of sadness. xoxoxoxo

Here are some angels that Patricia and Donna gave me to keep me safe while I embark on this quest. I also got this beautiful Necklace from a friend, Kayln. It was such a great surprise to receive this in the mail. Thanks ladies for the love and support.

Thank you

My beautiful sis drove out from St. Albert to help me out after surgery, but before I start bragging about Jody and telling you all about surgery day, I want all of you to know that I have two older sisters Lori, and Shelly who are amazing as well. I don't ever want to neglect mentioning them because family is important.

 

It's family that matters most, and it's the love that comes from ones heart to decide certain avenues. Some not so great, but when you have a beautiful family you do anything to keep them safe and will love them unconditionally. So thank you, Mackenzie, Madison, Mayson, my daughters are my life and without them making me giggle at times or pissing me off, I might have crawled into a ball and hid. Thank you to all the men. Tim, my brother-in-laws and my XY friends. You have all been wonderful. 

 

And of course my mom. Thanks for all you do for us. We love you. 

 

 

 Thanks you to all my loves who have reminded me over the years how strong I am!

My beautiful girls with Cam apart of our family!

 

 

Day of Biopsy

Walking back into that place was so hard. All I wanted to do was Jump back in the truck with Tim(Husband)  and go straight back home. I was still feeling confident it was going to be nothing, but deep down was getting myself ready for the worst.

The biopsy began, but to my surprise they were also going to biopsy a Lymph Node. Right then and there I started balling. My body was shaking uncontrollably and I was an utter mess. The Technician looked at me and said, "Julie, It is a small lump. You need to stay strong and fight." It was like she already knew what she had seen. I calmed myself down and allowed them to do there job. If anyone is wondering out there, it didn't hurt at all. Some people told me it really hurt, but in my experience I want to let you all know it didn't hurt at all. The only thing that hurt was the "knowing" something is seriously wrong.

Once out of there, I ran to the truck and cried. I didn't stop crying. I drove to my sister Lori's and sobbed in her backyard and she cried with me. It was like we both didn't want to know, but in some sort of weird way we knew it was more serious then what we thought. My sister Lori was a lot more positive then I was. All my beautiful girl friends were just as positive. They thought, its just Julie being paranoid. For those few days before the result came in, I stayed positive like my sisters did, I giggled with my friends saying " I'm just paranoid." But behind the phone, and behind closed doors I knew.

On the August 21st I was so stressed out that I needed to drink a nice bottle of  red. Tim joined me drinking his beer and we sat in the front just talking and watching Mayson and her good friend Eden dress up like zombies. I couldn't help but take some good pics.

 

Then all of a sudden in tears and trying to convince myself that what I know isn't what it is, a beautiful humming bird comes up right beside me to get some nectar off a beautiful flower I planted. It was so beautiful. It not only came back once but it came back three times. I knew it was a good omen. What purpose it was going to have on my life, I was unsure. I just knew through whatever storm I hit, there will be sunshine again. There will be beauty, and there will be life.

 

 

It was literally this close to me. It wasn't afraid. That day, I was grateful for that humming bird. For that evening all my worries went away.