Giggle pic of the day!

To those of you who know me, I'm one who likes to play pranks. I also like to share pics that bring me to the ugly laugh when days get sad. Yes, I can admit, I use my family from time to time, but only in good fun.

This pic was taken the day Jody Shaved my head. It was a day of tears, so Mayson thought she would beautify her Auntie Jods..Man did she do good!!!!

Jody, you always know how to grab all the attention..lmao..You show stopper you!!

I'm crying...in laughter....


Happy Easter to all!!

Understanding the truth...and believing in tomorrow...

January 8, 2014 I did my 4th treatment. I was expecting a different reaction to the new chemo. I heard it was different for everyone, so I thought whatever comes with this one, I can handle it! I did well with the last 3. Just thought, keep the focus and don't fall victim to what you can't control. Surrender to it and kick its ass.

Brought Tim to Chemo number 4.

 

 

My face has retained some water, and my belly will not allow me to stop eating..What?? lol

The first couple of days I felt fine, on the 3rd day I started to have pain in my legs. I was informed by my Nurse and Oncologist that this can be one of the side effects of this chemo. As the day went on the pain in my muscles started to intensify then it would start to hurt my bones. I tried so hard to stretch the pain out, but was unsuccessful. I had my daughter message my legs many times that evening and in the days following.. Nice hot baths would work too, I had many!!

My day 3,4,5 were brutal. Walking was even difficult. Advil would subside the pain, so I could rest in the evenings. I started noticing my energy level going down. The fatigue I started feeling was all so new to me. In prior treatments I didn't have to many side effects. Yes, I was a bit tired and my day 3,4,5 were emotional and filled with anxiety but after those days I felt I could function and think on a human level.

My day 6 on the last chemo to this chemo was the same. Loved my day 6!!!! I was back to feeling normal and ready for the next round. Waiting 3 weeks for every round is hard, because you just want it over and done with. I want so badly to start phase 2 of my QUEST!

As the days moved on I felt more fatigued. I thought to myself, " I don't remember feeling this tired." Maybe it's because I have more meds in me and I also have my period. I have my period almost every time I go in. Then I thought, "Kind of unusual to have a period for all these days." I just went on with the days, but I found myself crying and getting depressed. I just didn't feel so well.

On my day 9 I was not feeling myself at all. I was extremely emotional again. You see I thought I had my days pinned. Days 3,4,5 is when my older sister, Lori, contacts me to see how I am. It's like clock work. She knows those are my bad days. I always call my mom on one of those days bawling. Why the fuck am I feeling so terrible on day 9? I was talking to my sister Jods at the time(attempting to finish my workout) when all of a sudden I felt out of breath, anxiety, stress, depression....defeated.....I felt defeated!

I went to the washroom, still talking to Jody and gasped. Instantly, she asked, " Jules, are you Ok?" I then said, " I don't know, I just passed a huge clot as big as my fist?!"( to all the people who are reading after this paragraph, It may get graphic. Thought I'd give you all a head up -cheers)

In total I think I passed 30 fist size clots in 2 days. I phoned my nurse and she had said it's normal.  I actually talked to 2 nurses and if I wasn't filling a pad, then not to be to alarmed. Hmmm, really? I just had 30 livers come out of me and I'm not to be alarmed.. OK????

In the days to follow I continued to bleed. I had less clots, but never stopped bleeding. The blood wasn't filling a pad, so I thought this must be a sign of early Menopause that they say I may start while going through chemo. So I never called my nurse. I just left what was happening to my body as mother nature calling, or a chemo thing?!

On Jan, 23rd I got my sister Lori at 11:40pm to come pick me up, and take me to Emergency. I was shaking so bad and felt my body was slowly shutting down. I knew my body was telling me something.

The girls watched may that night, and I was off to the hospital. Once there they rushed me in and put me in isolation. Cancer patients have to stay away from the public, for if immune system is low then we can catch infections very quickly..

Doc, Nurses and a lot of blood was taken. Results were in and White blood counts were good, but my HGB were as low as 55 and normal is 120-160.. I gasped, and was so thankful for my girls. They pushed me to come into Emergency. If I had waited another day things could have been way worse.. Love my girlies.. That morning I had a blood transfusion. Give blood people, it saves lives!

My sis Lori stayed with me all night. This is where she tried to sleep. We would both have little cat naps. Then wake up and make each other laugh with our loud FARTS.( I learnt my sister Lori can ROAR!!...lol) Here she was sleeping waiting for results. Never left my side and has been so much help. She is a selfless, beautiful soul and I love her to the moon and back.

Love you big sis, and thank you for keeping me safe!!

 

I was sent home at 4pm that day and was so very grateful I have such powerful women fighting for me. MY family!!

 

 That weekend, my Mackenzie was moving back to Fort Saskatchewan. I was sad to see her go, but also proud of her in making this decision. This was the first big decision she has made without any influence from me. I'm just such a happy mommy knowing she had the courage and strength to move and live life. Live life for her. Sad part for me, was I couldn't help her move in because of what happened. WE share a lovely good-bye and once she left the house, I cried life a baby. I miss her so much, but also so excited for her, and can't wait to hear about some of her adult adventures.

 

 

My beautiful Kenz stepping out in the world.

This is to all 3 of you amazing little ladies in my life. Always a breath away..

 

That same weekend I had my beautiful mom, and wonderful friend Shiv come take care of me. My Mom cooked us some nice, yummy food. Having your mom with you, on days like this, just brighten the day. Shiv rubbed my feet and legs while we stayed up way to late giggling and crying. I made the mistake in not taking my sleeping pill, so Shiv fell asleep before me..Ummm, that was a bad idea...She fucking snores...And loud.. I jumped out of bed, and slammed one of my sleep easy pills..Thank god! Haha

 

 

 

 

Mom, and Shiv helped me  out so much. We had a great visit. When I'm around my family and friends I feel alive. I feel Julie! I realised it because they help me forget I HAD cancer. I have learned so may things while riding this QUEST, and that is.....

 

- ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, LOVE.....LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED

 

 

 

 

So I'm going to post a second blog tonight, so I'm up to day with chemo treatments. Stay tune and you can hear about my Number Fuckin 5!!!!!!!!!!!





Peace

3 down, 3 more to go....

My 3rd treatment was a hoot?!?! Not really, but can't complain. The Highlight of treatment days is getting to spend time with some of my favourite people. It's a place where time stands still...... It's a place where the stories never stop, and where the memories fill my heart.

Round 3: I brought my beautiful Jilly. Jill is one of my most dearest friends and I was so glad she came with me. As I  sat waiting for Jill, I had to stay strong. I'm an emotional person as is. I have a hard time seeing my loved ones hurting. As I watched Jilly walk in I could already tell she was crying, so I quickly walked away and talked about something off topic where the two of us started laughing out loud.

If you knew Jill, like I do, she doesn't cry like I cry. She has a strength that most of my friends have, and all of them can attest to calling me the "cry baby" of the group.haha Seeing her these last few months overwhelmed with emotions only expresses  how much we just adore each other. We lived our 20s together as single moms. We had no idea of time, money, or whatever else came with becoming an adult. All we knew, was living, loving and being the best we could be as parents?? haha. If  I could go back.. I would. Had no money, but lived so much life! Thankful everyday it was lived with you, my dear Jilly. xoxo

 

Throw back Christmas 2007!

 

My first 3 chemo treatments have been with my three amigos. The ones who I grew up with, who believed in me. Who stood beside me, and who always picked me up when I just wanted to stay down. I always have to make sure I show much gratitude to these amazing individuals, because without them I wouldn't be the person I am today. We will forever be bonded. All the greatness these women have shown me, only gives me the strength to be strong. xoxoxo

 So treatments have been a world wind of events, or shall I say emotions. Some days I'm great, and some days I'm a mess. It people are coughing in the house and I start to get paranoid, I wear this?! I know, I've laughed at myself over this. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that, everyday is a battle, and everyday I'm learning how to cope with understanding I HAD cancer. ;) I say HAD because I get to make the last decisions on how I'm going to feel at the end of the night. It's me who is in control of my recovery not the cancer.( who I like to call BITCH from time to time)

My body is starting to feel the effects of chemo. I get more tired throughout the day. My skin feels tight on certain days and I think my ass is growing? Come on ladies, I'm still a women and thinking of gaining weight is a wee bit scary. But, kicking( Whatever Cancer might be left) is my number 1 goal.

Do I ever feel defeated some days....hell no! I guess I've always had this inner strength to stand tall, as a solider, and fight. The tears I have are for the past, present and future. I have allowed myself to connect with many of my good, bad and ugly..haha. I will never let Cancer become me. I will surrender to it, for now, but it will never be my future. When you're a Cancer patient you don't want people feeling sorry for you. You want them to be the same with you and sadly not everyone can be that strong. I've learnt to be my honest self, and express exactly what I need. So to be a solider standing tall beside me you need to sing, dance, love, believe, and throw out to the universe positive energy. Remember our mind is a powerful tool.

This brings me to my husband, Tim. He has kept me up when some days I just wanted to fall. He's not your Moishe type. He's the solider you want! He stand tall beside me and doesn't allow any bullshit to affect my QUEST! Tim has had to deal with his own emotions, the girls and mine. He has continued to help me become a stronger person even when he's scared or sad. I couldn't be more thankful knowing I got "solider boy." haha. Love you..

Well, it's time I say good-bye to 2013 and a "FUCKING" Hello to 2014! Everyone near and far have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Throw back Christmas 2007! haha..Tim giving me a smile in a photo!!

 

Wish time stood still...Merry Christmas

 

 

 



Learning..

Everyday since learning I HAD breast cancer, I have taken some much needed time to reflect on my life. I have allowed myself to answer the questions that I feared. It has, thus far, been a huge learning curve, and This "Quest" of mine has brought me closer to understanding the beauty of ones inner self. I have seen things that tested every thought unspoken and I have a greater appreciation for the simple things in life.

Had another scare a few weeks ago. I only shared it with a few people for I didn't want to alarm to many of you, when really I didn't even know exactly what I was panicking about. You see, when I have to do these baseline tests to see if cancer has spread I go a bit to the dark side. It's very difficult when you're scheduled for a bone scan to only have to be told you need to go for an X-ray immediately after. You have no time to process anything- all that goes through your mind is, "fuck.. It's CANCER". 
This is where Tim comes into play with all this CANCER stuff. He's my to go to guy. He tells it as it is, and he is the man who gets all my results before I do. As hard as it is on him having to wait for that call, he does it for me! Thankfully the call he received was reassuring and informative.

 My Oncologist feels it's an old injury. We will do a follow up in 6 months. He said, " no need to biopsy that, for I know what cancer looks like, and also it didn't show up on x-rays."
I'm good with that information.. for now.

I'm on my "QUEST" in healing my mind, body and soul. I can only focus on cleaning my body up the best ways possible and one of those ways is working hard in clearing my mind. The mind is a powerful weapon, and I want it working for me not against me.

 

So this comes to my next topic of interest and that is how blessed I am to have the wonderful people in my life. I have been learning interesting ways to cope, and feel free during this QUEST. I have always wanted to touch base more into the spiritual part of my inner self. My girl friend Melanie and I would have many, many conversations about religion, beliefs, spiritual healing. You name it, we talked about it. The two of us have always had this inner interest in holistic healing and talked hours on what power the mind has.  It is the free spirits in us both that allow us to feel comfortable to speak freely without any judgement..

 

Melanie has always giving me tips and constantly reminded me of my inner strength when at times I questioned it. I call her my little guru. She knows what to say to heal the mind and to use my inner self to control the situation. A few days after my second round of Chemo I got a lovely package in the mail. It was full of goodies. Her gifts are thought out, and have much meaning. Love this about my Guru, she know me inside and out. She takes her time with finding the perfect healing measures to keep my spirits up in the way we would share it. I'm so blessed I have her to share this inner side of me with, and I'm glad she feels safe with sharing her inner thoughts with me. She is a true gem.xo

 

Here is my gift from my beautiful Guru. Some prayer beads she made me, as well as some of my favorite things. She bought me this Chakra book in which I'm finding very interesting and feeling the healing within. I just want to mention, this isn't for everyone, and I'm not saying go holistic on my ass and become the next Guru.This isn't for everyone and that's fine. I'm just wanting to share a little about me and my world and what brings me peace. Love you Melly!

 

Evening Snack

 

Raspberries, green or mint tea

 

Aromatherapy for the body, soul and mind

 

Chakra healing

 

 

I

 A women who speaks to us all!

 

Here are two other awesome reads. Kris Carr is such an inspiration and any Kick ass Cancer patient should read her stuff. I felt empowered reading her book, and will continue to support her.
Kitchen Cures should be in your hands. So many great tips, ideas, methods. My big sis Lori got this book for me and I love it!

Well folks, it's time for bed. I have my 3rd round of Chemo tomorrow. Yippy! I will let you all know how that goes before the holidays begin. Also I need to thank a few ladies that came to visit me a couple weekends ago.. Oh, and I also got another little treat in the mail.. I will post in next couple days. Geez, now that  I think about it.. I have a few other things to post..Ok. Night, night.

Much love,

Jules

To all the beautiful people in my life...

I want to share some of the amazing things that my family and friends were so kind to do for me. I'm so blessed to have these people in my world. I can't express enough how grateful I am to have each and everyone of you in my life. A lot of my friends throughout this Quest have send flowers, bought me little gifts, and have cooked wonderful meals to show there support, so thank you. Xo

I had this tattoo picked out for me a good few months ago. Those two words spoke so many words to me, but now they sing. I can only be so grateful for the life I choose and looking forward to the life I want!

My Sis Jods gave me this card with a beautiful Necklace that I will post under this. I can't express enough how fucking lucky I am to have her walk this Quest with me. She has been my rock and my voice. Thank you my dear Sis for making this walk easier every step of the way.

It is an angel wing. It came with two, but I gave her the other to wear, so we feel connected when she's not right beside me. It's a twin thing. Some can handle it and some question it, but we are the ones loving it and couldn't be more lucky than to have each other.

My Girlfriend Siobhan requested  I receive this handmade quilt donated by Victoria Quilts Canada. I was so moved by this gesture, and a wonderful women came to my door and delivered it personally. She said " this quilt will keep you warm while your in treatments, and the ladies who made this quilt made it by loving hands to give you warmth and comfort." I broke down and cried, for I thought it was a beautiful thing for my friend to do but a great foundation to help all with cancer.

www.victoriasquiltscanada.com.  There is also an American website, just not sure of it.

Here are some of the beautiful flowers I received from so many.  I couldn't put all the arrangements up, but please know I'm thankful for all who sent some and they made my house look fresh and vibrant. It was great to have such beauty in my house for those days of sadness. xoxoxoxo

Here are some angels that Patricia and Donna gave me to keep me safe while I embark on this quest. I also got this beautiful Necklace from a friend, Kayln. It was such a great surprise to receive this in the mail. Thanks ladies for the love and support.

Oncologist day and day 1 of first round of chemo

I met my Oncologist and he explained what kind of meds I will be taking. I will be having 6 treatments every 3 weeks. The first 3 are a bit hard, because I'm young they want to hit it hard. The last 3 aren't as harsh. I said ok, lets do this. He then said we need to book you in for an ECG..Arg, another test! Yes, more baseline tests. He also wanted me to do a chest x-ray and bone scan . I said, " my surgeon didn't request those?" He then said, "well I'm your Oncologist and I would like you to take them." I started to cry, because I hate the tests. After the scare with the liver I didn't want to do anymore tests. I told my Oncologist this, and he said I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. So I decided to wait and take them for later. I'm someone who can't live with the unknown, especially now. I was a smoker for 24 years. I knew what my lungs looked like, I told him. Ugly, dark and spotted. He said, "yes your probably right, but you no longer smoke remember." That's right, I quit August 24th. He made me feel a bit better. But please. The things we do to our body, to only be faced with the consequences.

Chemo day came quick! My sister Jody came with me and Tim met us at the hospital later. Jody promised she will be there for everyone if the weather is good. We got to hospital and they called my name. I was strong until that point. I started to cry, Jody cried with me and our beautiful nurse got teary eyed and made us feel a lot better. She got me all ready for meds, explained everything that was going to go on. Jods and I started crying again. My nurse then looked at me and said, " I have some Ativan, would you like to take it?" I didn't hesitate. I gobbled it down;)

On my way to the hospital for my first treatment. I look pumped?? Not so much. Just getting my warrior on!!lol..well I tried..haha

Jods and I still smiling. With sadness we must triumph on and be happy.. " I've got you babe." Here I go singing to myself again. geez..

Me all plugged in to the meds that will kick cancers ass!! It didn't hurt at all. I was afraid of that, but all was good and very comfortable. To the nurses and volunteers thank you for making my first visit warm, comfortable, informative and thank you, thank you for the giggles..

Well I think I'm ready to Post and share to all my family, friends, and to anyone who needs a little love, support and encouragement. You are not alone. I will be posting my days with you all so you all have answers and so that you can all follow Julie's Quest. Love to you all. xoxo

Here was the last cut Jods did before shaving my head. My daughters were with us and we cried and laughed. I think that was the day it became a little more real for my beautiful daughters. It was great to see them continue to stay strong through it all. After the shaving, my oldest daughter (Mackenzie) did up my makeup. She made me feel beautiful. Then we took pics all night.

I am now believing in tomorrow. I have had many ups and downs during this QUEST, but still find it in my nature to sing, smile and laugh hard. Life brings us things we feel we have no power over, but to all you who read this never forget we are strong and we fight. We are warriors.

My Mackenzie, wrote this the day after my head was shaved. She has been so strong for me in ways where the laughter just roars when she does one of her goofy impressions. Just having her in the room brightens the darkest days. I am so blessed to have such beautiful girls who think of others and who walk with pride and dignity.