Tim and I headed to the hospital early morning to get all set up for surgery. The staff there were all so very friendly. They made me laugh and told me many feel good stories. After about 4 hours of prepping they came for me. As I said my tearful goodbyes to Tim, they whisked me off to the room where my recovery would begin.
As they wheeled me to the operating room, all I could see was white. Thankfully soon after that I was welcomed to a room full of beautiful people. And they all wanting to fix me! I was a bit shaky and found myself calming down quickly. I asked " hey did you give me something already," Anaesthesiologist said, " well, yes I did, how do you feel?" I started telling him stories on how I felt....and that's all I remember.
I woke up a wee bit drugged but felt little pain. I was in recovery for a few hours and Tim was there to take me home and to my surprise, there was my Jody and my beautiful girls. They were all giggling at me. I must have been pretty out of it. Soon after, I headed home. That evening I threw up a few times from the drugs and was very much looking forward to the morning..
When I awoke I felt great. I was a little sore, but it was very manageable. It was nice knowing I had Jody there to do the things I couldn't..lol. She actually did everything and let me relax. She was very helpful.
After surgery, I had a few days of pain but was pretty much back to myself, other than waiting for pathology report. I was so confident that they got it all and all I would have to do was Radiation. Wishful thinking, but I was hopeful.
On Oct. 2nd I was called in to get my pathology report. It felt like forever for our Surgeon to come in and give us the news.. He sat down, asked how I was feeling, checked my incisions and then proceeded to give me the results.
"Well Ms. Julie, your lump is actually smaller than what they biopsy reported." he looked relieved as he continued to read. "It was only 1.1 cm and the reports on the tissue I removed around the tumor are negative. The margins are clear!" Tim and I sighed in relief but that was short lived. As he silently read on his expression changed and appeared to read something twice. We knew what was coming wasn't good. He looked up at us and spoke in a slower, softer tone. "We removed 10 lymph nodes plus the Sentinel Node and they all came back negative except for the Sentinel. I am very sorry to tell you that it came back positive. The Sentinel has evidence of cancer cells." What a sec!!! Back up please! He kind of whipped his face and looked down and as if he was talking to himself and says "I am very, very surprised. This I did not expect." Then he looked right at Julie and said "You should be so proud of yourself for finding this!"
I was a bit confused and in shock but I knew because of that one $*&$#&$ lymph node, I will require Chemo! I was devastated. I was so hopeful it wasn't in any nodes. What a let down. Having such a small lump and got in one node only told be Cancer is a real BITCH! To make matters worse, my surgeon informed me that he will be ordering a complete abdomen ultrasound for a baseline test. I hated knowing I had to do more tests. It scared me to do those. What if it's somewhere else? I can handle the breast cancer. I can fight that BITCH, just please, please... please........ don't throw anything else at me!
I talked to a lot of people that day and cried. I was so angry. Angry I didn't go for my mammogram last year. If I had gone last year would it be in that node. So many questions and what ifs, but in reality it is what it is.
I received a call from my dear friend Jill, and I cried. She said cry as much as you want. I told her I hate these test, so we came up with a plan to feel like I was at a spa. We had some giggles and the very next day I went and picked up my spa shades.
I went into my ultrasound wearing these. I didn't want to take a glance at the tech. I start reading into things and over analysing. Putting these on allowed me to think of my loved ones. MY GIRLS..my dreams, my reasoning.. I was just being me... away from this place
I left feeling good. Still scared of course, because now they are looking at every organ in your abdomen. As I got home I chilled out for a bit.
Two hours later I received a phone call that took me into the darkest place I have ever been. I went from Julie to possessed in 10 seconds. It was my family doctor's office telling me they got result back from the ultrasound and I need to get there ASAP. I dropped the phone. I went so evil that Tim couldn't even calm me down. He had called the doctors office wanting answers but they kept telling him they couldn't say anything and my family doctor doesn't give info over the phone.
I am now freaking out. I mean I'm screaming out loud, crashing to the floor. The things I did that day, I felt out of my body. I felt crazy, but it was the fear that took over every part of my being. I was losing hope.
Tim told me it was my surgeon's receptionist that was to call me, not my doctor. At this point I'm not hearing a word he is saying. He had no idea what had come over me and couldn't handle it. He was afraid for me, and called my sister Lori to come over asap. That wasn't a great idea, but none the less here she was in my bed with me trying to calm me down.. Wasn't working.
Tim finally got in contact with the receptionist at my surgeons clinic and she was amazing. She could hear me screaming and crying and probably throwing things. She had told Tim what they had seen on ultrasound, but she felt it important to talk to me. I get on the phone in a panic, and she starts talking in a soft, rational voice. "Julie, hon you have to calm down. They found a spot on the liver. They are not saying cancer. They are indicating that it's a fatty infiltration or a hemangioma, but because of your diagnosis we have to look further, so we must send you for a CT scan." I calmed down slightly and told her that I couldn't handle anymore tests. At this point I was so worn out I just told her book the test.
I do want to express how wonderful she was. I'd use names to identify all the wonderful nurses, but I'm not sure I can. So I'm just gonna leave it as "my team" or doc, surgeon, nurses. etc..
I calmed down finally over a much needed drink of a fine red wine. I was so crazy and Tim was so worried. From what he said, is he has never seen that JULIE before. Well, hell no! I'm usually smiling or giggling. On this day, especially it was hard because life stopped. Later on in the days to follow I was giggling at how I reacted that day, but also didn't want to think about it.
I went for CT scan on the 17th of Oct. and wore my pretty little mask that helped so much during these tests. I didn't want to learn anymore. I didn't want to know I was claustrophobic. I didn't want to see lights, or faces. I just wanted to be in my zone. This time I pictured myself in Vegas...I needed to put myself in happy places. I never wanted to go back to the place I went. Never.
As for the results, they would go to Tim. I told him I couldn't handle hearing them. He wasn't pumped about that, for it was just as stressful on him. I always considered others stresses before my own, so it was hard for me to not think what it was doing to him. I could tell, he was very stressed. He did not want to have to give me the bad news.
A few days later my phone rang and it was Tim. Time stopped. He starts talking slowly, "Julie... are you ready?" I reluctantly said yes. He paused and said, "You are clear! No cancer in the liver!!!" TEARS instantly! It was a hemangioma. What a relief. Now it was time to see my Oncologist and get this treatment on a go.
I was so excited and to make things even better, it happened to be the weekend of a Calgary dance convention. I went to Triple Threat to watch my niece, Dani, and celebrate the news with my sister, Jody and friends Mandy, Julia and Jaime! Grooved in my chair when watching nappytabs and almost got out of my chair grooving to showtime.
Later that night we went out and had a crazy night at the Unicorn. It got so crazy that my girl Mandy became apart of the band playing the cow bell and tambourine. Memories...
Lets just say, we had the whole dance floor. Oh, and I'd like to also give a hello to all the other beautiful ladies I met that night. Looking forward to another night of dancing, singing. hum time, "Here I go again on my own, looking down the only road I've ever known," or a whole lot of Bon Jovi. hahaha.
