In the moment...

Hello friends! I have had a busy month since finishing my Radiation. All of my days, thus far, have been filled with Happiness. After dealing with all that ugliness this winter, I just wanted to runaway from it, and enjoy the beauty I so longed for in those darker days. 

Radiation went well. I was scared going into it. Again, it was like walking into a dark room, not knowing what was to become of you.(right from a horror flick) haha... I had no idea what was to happen.. My first day, I felt very nervous. The anxiety that came over me was crazy. You see, for me, because my CANCER was on my left breast I had to hold my breath for 20 seconds every time they radiated. Ya, I know... try holding your breath for 20 seconds..GO!!!!!!!! Just a lot to think about... I just had to do it correctly for I was afraid my organs would be damaged..I will find out on June 9, 2014 my progress, and how my body is healing. I feel fantastic, so I'm hoping good new! 

This was my bed. The first day of Radiation took about an hour. Measurements and such. In that hour, I think i contemplated running out of their 100 times.  It was like my legs had their own mind..( lets get the fuck out of here) Believe it or not, I stayed and trooped it out...As the days went by, it got easier. It was nice most days because I got to see my lady Radiologists, who were so amazing..They made every appointment comfortable. Hard to believe that the Tom Baker has been my JOB these past few months.

Two of the 4 amazing ladies that I got the bitter-sweet privilege in meeting.. I can say that being in the CANCER world you are very well taken care of. Sometimes the Docs don't say much, which sucks, but all in all the care you receive is amazing..

Their are many volunteers that come in everyday to play piano. This gentleman was one of my favourite. He would play Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, to a simple favorite of mine.. "Somewhere over the Rainbow!" It was a place to reflect, and be grateful I had today.. It allowed me to be!!

Here is the ribbon stand! Once you successfully finish Radiation you get to ring the bell, tie a ribbon, honouring what you have accomplished. I thought it would be comforting to pay tribute to, a special someone, my daddy, who lost his battle to Cancer. He was one of the most amazing spirits and I miss him everyday. His ribbon is the light blue one..The purple is for one who is still fighting, Mrs. Tonya Nixon. I love you and think of you everyday. I sent it out to the Universe that you will be a happy, beautiful source of energy that will surge through us when times seem difficult. You will help us rise above, and give us our smile when sadness tries to defeat us.Forever loved.... To all the ladies that stood beside me, who have battle Breast Cancer, Thank you for all your support and love. Without you ladies, Ang, Debbie, Cindy, Kristi, Maria, Tina, things would have been so much scarier. I have found friends in all of you, and couldn't be more proud to know we have each others hearts. When days get tough, I think we all know we can count on each other to help pick us up, even when we don't want to look up. much love.....

Through this QUEST I have learnt things about me. I have tapped into my inner self and realised i was not living my authentic self.. Fear creates a barrier, and unless you go right through it, you will never get to the next step.. A dear loving person told me, "there will be many forks and all will lead to something wonderful and unexpected."  Hearing that, amongst many other beautiful words spoken, I knew that JULIE wasn't going to hide anymore..We are faced with fear everyday, it's how we conquer the fear itself that will define us and make us better human beings. My life as I know it, is blessed. I am grateful for all that I have, and all that I WILL accomplish. My truth is my story, and man, I have an amazing one to tell. I'm excited for tomorrow, and live everyday just a little different. We all change and evolve as people. Getting the chance to live my BEST life excites me. It gives me hope...

  

Much love,

Jules xo

Giggle pic of the day!

To those of you who know me, I'm one who likes to play pranks. I also like to share pics that bring me to the ugly laugh when days get sad. Yes, I can admit, I use my family from time to time, but only in good fun.

This pic was taken the day Jody Shaved my head. It was a day of tears, so Mayson thought she would beautify her Auntie Jods..Man did she do good!!!!

Jody, you always know how to grab all the attention..lmao..You show stopper you!!

I'm crying...in laughter....


Happy Easter to all!!

Last Chemo and off to the second phase...

It has been a few weeks since writing. Sorry for the hold up friends, I just felt I needed to wrap my head around what I have gone through thus far. I had my last treatment Feb 19, 2014!! I was nervous the whole time. I played mind games with myself and actually thought the nurses were going to tell me I had to do more chemo. Like I said in previous posts, the strengths you have to find within can be challenging. You test your inner self many times..
The nurses at the Tom Baker were wonderful and rushed over to me, with big smiles, to let me know today is the day I get to ring the bell! I got a bit giddy knowing I finally did it. I, Julie Keith, got through 6 treatments of chemo and this phase of my QUEST was over! I was so humbled and grateful to all the nurses that made my stay comfortable and reassuring. The nurses and volunteers made all those treatments just a little less scary. Their beautiful spirits made all the difference in the world. Thank you.

You all can  imagine which bell I chose! I was so excited, and I knew once I got my hand on that bell, I would ring it load and clear. As I was sitting in the bed, I would look around me at all the people in that room waiting to ring that bell. I thought for a moment, life is bitter-sweet. One day we are running through life as though their isn't enough hours in the day. Then one day.. time stands still. As I went into this knowing nothing I came out learning " about time." Time wasn't rushed anymore, and the time I had that day was precious.
 Looking at all the faces who have laughed load, they too took time to listen, learn, reflect and forgive. We shared something that none of us talked directly about, but we all felt it. I (we) learnt that days mattered and taking the time meant another beautiful day. I learnt that through the hardest times in life we still smile. We do as much as we can everyday to just feel grateful. to feel alive.. to feel free...

 Love to all my warrior friends who continue to stand tall and fight. xo

As I sit waiting to ring that bell, I was so blessed to have two, of some, of the best people I know with me. Mrs. Jody, and Mrs. Siobhan came up for the day to celebrate this moment. I think we cried a few times, for I learnt through all of this, that this has been very difficult on my family and friends. It has brought meaning to us all, and that is, take the time cause that's all we have..Cherish each moment and live each day!

Here it is!! The moment I was waiting for. As I rang that bell all I heard around me were staff and patients clapping for me. It was a moment that still brings tears to my eyes. As I sit back on my chair, looking at this picture,  I see an awakening soul..

Here is the three of us ringing in " FUCK YOU CANCER!" It was extremely emotional at this point. Having these two with me riding this QUEST has made some really hard times seem less hard. Thank you for standing tall and reminding me - all you need is love, love...love is all you need...

My sweetest gift..Thank you for being my strength.  I know it has been extremely difficult for you to see me in all sorts of emotions. Through all that, my sis, you helped me stay strong and healthy. You gave me the strength when I needed it. You reminded me of memories that made me laugh so hard, that I think I laughed all the cancer out.

Well, finally a bald head shines your way. It took about 40 shots to get this picture.lol.. This picture was taken shortly after Jody shaved my head.. Since then, the rest of the hair fell out, and eyebrows followed after. It has been a transition looking at myself in the mirror but as the days go by, I accept the change, but I definitely have hair envy. I'm sure i'll post another head shot soon, or probably just go out once my hair grows to this length again. Wigs drive me crazy!! In the meantime, if you want to visualize me bald, with no eyebrows or make up.....Think Uncle Fester! lmao....

Now on to phase 2........

Quote of the day...

 
 
 



Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation.

- unknown

Haircuts.

This was written by my one of my daughters friends Miranda. She is such a blessing in my life.

Jody did my first cut! It was teary. My youngest had a hard time with it. But we all got through it.

End result. Wasn't bad. We cut a good few inches off, but I embraced the change.

Second Haircut! Went a lot shorter.

This day, I was just playing around with what hair I knew was almost going to go. I tried to enjoy as much as I could with the hairdos. Ha..

Day of surgery and follow up..

Tim and I headed to the hospital early morning to get all set up for surgery. The staff there were all so very friendly. They made me laugh and told me many feel good stories.  After about 4 hours of prepping they came for me.  As I said my tearful goodbyes to Tim, they whisked me off to the room where my recovery would begin.

 

As they wheeled me to the operating room, all I could see was white.  Thankfully soon after that I was welcomed to a room full of beautiful people.  And they all wanting to fix me! I was a bit shaky and found myself calming down quickly. I asked " hey did you give me something already," Anaesthesiologist said, " well, yes I did, how do you feel?" I started telling him stories on how I felt....and that's all I remember.

I woke up a wee bit drugged but felt little pain. I was in recovery for a few hours and Tim was there to take me home and to my surprise, there was my Jody and my beautiful girls. They were all giggling at me. I must have been pretty out of it. Soon after, I  headed home.  That evening I threw up a few times from the drugs and was very much looking forward to the morning..

When I awoke I felt great.  I was a little sore, but it was very manageable. It was nice knowing I had Jody there to do the things I couldn't..lol.  She actually did everything and let me relax. She was very helpful.

Remember this night....bahahahahahahha good times and always laughing. Loves to you!

 

After surgery, I had a few days of pain but was pretty much back to myself, other than waiting for pathology report. I was so confident that they got it all and all I would have to do was Radiation. Wishful thinking, but I was hopeful.

On Oct. 2nd I was called in to get my pathology report. It felt like forever for our Surgeon to come in and give us the news.. He sat down, asked how I was feeling, checked my incisions and then proceeded to give me the results.

"Well Ms. Julie, your lump is actually smaller than what they biopsy reported." he looked relieved as he continued to read.  "It was only 1.1 cm and the reports on the tissue I removed around the tumor are negative. The margins are clear!" Tim and I sighed in relief but that was short lived.  As he silently read on his expression changed and appeared to read something twice. We knew what was coming wasn't good. He looked up at us and spoke in a slower, softer tone. "We removed 10 lymph nodes plus the Sentinel Node and they all came back negative except for the Sentinel.  I am very sorry to tell you that it came back positive.  The Sentinel has evidence of cancer cells." What a sec!!!  Back up please!  He kind of whipped his face and looked down and as if he was talking to himself and says "I am very, very surprised.  This I did not expect."  Then he looked right at Julie and said "You should be so proud of yourself for finding this!"

I was a bit confused and in shock but I knew because of that one $*&$#&$ lymph node, I will require Chemo! I was devastated. I was so hopeful it wasn't in any nodes. What a let down. Having such a small lump and got in one node only told be Cancer is a real BITCH!  To make matters worse, my surgeon informed me that he will be ordering a complete abdomen ultrasound for a baseline test. I hated knowing I had to do more tests. It scared me to do those. What if it's somewhere else? I can handle the breast cancer. I can fight that BITCH, just please, please... please........ don't throw anything else at me!

I talked to a lot of people that day and cried. I was so angry. Angry I didn't go for my mammogram last year. If I had gone last year would it be in that node. So many questions and what ifs, but in reality it is what it is.

 

I received a call from my dear friend Jill, and I cried. She said cry as much as you want. I told her I hate these test, so we came up with a plan to feel like I was at a spa. We had some giggles and the very next day I went and picked up my spa shades.

I went into my ultrasound wearing these. I didn't want to take a glance at the tech. I start reading into things and over analysing. Putting these on allowed me to think of my loved ones. MY GIRLS..my dreams, my reasoning.. I was just being me... away from this place

I left feeling good. Still scared of course, because now they are looking at every organ in your abdomen. As I got home I chilled out for a bit.

 

Two hours later I received a phone call that took me into the darkest place I have ever been. I went from Julie to possessed in 10 seconds. It was my family doctor's office telling me they got result back from the ultrasound and I need to get there ASAP.  I dropped the phone. I went so evil that Tim couldn't even calm me down. He had called the doctors office wanting answers but they kept telling him they couldn't say anything and my family doctor doesn't give info over the phone.

I am now freaking out. I mean I'm screaming out loud, crashing to the floor. The things I did that day, I felt out of my body. I felt crazy, but it was the fear that took over every part of my being. I was losing hope.

Tim told me it was my surgeon's receptionist that was to call me, not my doctor. At this point I'm not hearing a word he is saying. He had no idea what had come over me and couldn't handle it. He was afraid for me, and called my sister Lori to come over asap.  That wasn't a great idea, but none the less here she was in my bed with me trying to calm me down.. Wasn't working.

Tim finally got in contact with the receptionist at my surgeons clinic and she was amazing. She could hear me screaming and crying and probably throwing things. She had told Tim what they had seen on ultrasound, but she felt it important to talk to me. I get on the phone in a panic, and she starts talking in a soft, rational voice. "Julie, hon you have to calm down. They found a spot on the liver. They are not saying cancer. They are indicating that it's a fatty infiltration or a hemangioma, but because of your diagnosis we have to look further, so we must send you for a CT scan." I calmed down slightly and told her that I couldn't handle anymore tests.  At this point I was so worn out I just told her book the test.

I do want to express how wonderful she was. I'd use names to identify all the wonderful nurses, but I'm not sure I can. So I'm just gonna leave it as "my team" or doc, surgeon, nurses. etc..

I calmed down finally over a much needed drink of a fine red wine. I was so crazy and Tim was so worried. From what he said, is he has never seen that JULIE before. Well, hell no! I'm usually smiling or giggling. On this day, especially it was hard because life stopped. Later on in the days to follow I was giggling at how I reacted that day, but also didn't want to think about it.

I went for CT scan on the 17th of Oct. and wore my pretty little mask that helped so much during these tests. I didn't want to learn anymore. I didn't want to know I was claustrophobic. I didn't want to see lights, or faces. I just wanted to be in my zone. This time I pictured myself in Vegas...I needed to put myself in happy places. I never wanted to go back to the place I went. Never.

As for the results, they would go to Tim. I told him I couldn't handle hearing them. He wasn't pumped about that, for it was just as stressful on him. I always considered others stresses before my own, so it was hard for me to not think what it was doing to him.  I could tell, he was very stressed. He did not want to have to give me the bad news.

 

A few days later my phone rang and it was Tim. Time stopped.  He starts talking slowly, "Julie... are you ready?" I reluctantly said yes.  He paused and said, "You are clear!  No cancer in the liver!!!"  TEARS instantly!  It was a hemangioma. What a relief. Now it was time to see my Oncologist and get this treatment on a go.

 

I was so excited and to make things even better, it happened to be the weekend of a Calgary dance convention. I went to Triple Threat to watch my niece, Dani, and celebrate the news with my sister,  Jody and friends Mandy, Julia and Jaime! Grooved in my chair when watching nappytabs and almost got out of my chair grooving to showtime.

 

Later that night we went out and had a crazy night at the Unicorn. It got so crazy that my girl Mandy became apart of the band playing the cow bell and tambourine. Memories...

Lets just say, we had the whole dance floor. Oh, and I'd like to also give a hello to all the other beautiful ladies I met that night. Looking forward to another night of dancing, singing. hum time, "Here I go again on my own, looking down the only road I've ever known," or a whole lot of Bon Jovi. hahaha.

My Story

I was sitting in my twins backyard wondering, "what are we going to do this summer?" In the past we always headed to Osoyoos, BC where my parents bought a house. It was a retirement home for the two of them to enjoy and finally put themselves first. After raising 4 daughter of their own, mom and dad were ready to be empty nesters and live in beautiful British Columbia. Sadly for my father, it was short lived. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 Esophageal Cancer. We were all devastated. My father lived a year after diagnosis. He passed away January 4th 2004.  My mom decided to keep the house and since then, we have enjoyed many summer holidays in Osoyoos.

This past summer, my twin sis Jods and I decided we weren't going to head to Osoyoos. Considering  we go every year, we thought we might try something different.

What were we going to do?

We pondered and both looked at each other and said " why wouldn't we go to Osoyoos, we love it there." So it was final, we were planning another beautiful trip to Osoyoos, BC.

We finally arrived and were so excited because this time instead of staying at my Mom's place the whole time we made reservations to stay in Jody and Ken's Condo. It was a beautiful time with amazing weather.

We all loved our time together. Every day/evening we would head down to my mom's for a few cocktails and share our stories. I'm not sure what the conversations were about, probably health and living a life fulfilled instead of living it with the cup half empty when I discovered a lump in my breast. I kept feeling it for it didn't feel normal. Shortly after that I got my sister, Jody, to come feel it. She gave me this funny look and said, "um, I'd get that checked." When my mom felt it she said, "oh, it's probably nothing but I'd go check it out." After feeling it a bit I never gave it much thought. I figured once I'm home I'd deal with it then.

The night before Jody and I left to go back home we were both uneasy about something. Our sleep that night felt like no sleep at all. The "things" I was dreaming about kept me up all night. I noticed Jody tossing and turning as well. I didn't want to wake her, but a few times she was screaming in her sleep. I left her alone and tried my hardest to get some rest. Morning came and we were off, back to awesome Alberta. About 3 hours into our drive I looked at Jods and said I needed to talk to her about a dream I had. She looked at me with a strange look and said she also had odd dreams that night. I started off by telling her of the faces I was seeing. They were native people screaming at me, but I could hear them. There faces so close to mine screaming words, but nothing was coming out. Jods, looked at me with wide eyes and said, "that was my dream too Jules!"

The reason I'm telling you all this, is because this was the beginning of what will be the biggest and most challenging year of my life. I wouldn't know it then, but as I go further on in my story I realize I'm going to have to get ready for battle.