Thank you

My beautiful sis drove out from St. Albert to help me out after surgery, but before I start bragging about Jody and telling you all about surgery day, I want all of you to know that I have two older sisters Lori, and Shelly who are amazing as well. I don't ever want to neglect mentioning them because family is important.

 

It's family that matters most, and it's the love that comes from ones heart to decide certain avenues. Some not so great, but when you have a beautiful family you do anything to keep them safe and will love them unconditionally. So thank you, Mackenzie, Madison, Mayson, my daughters are my life and without them making me giggle at times or pissing me off, I might have crawled into a ball and hid. Thank you to all the men. Tim, my brother-in-laws and my XY friends. You have all been wonderful. 

 

And of course my mom. Thanks for all you do for us. We love you. 

 

 

 Thanks you to all my loves who have reminded me over the years how strong I am!

My beautiful girls with Cam apart of our family!

 

 

The wait...

I got the call from my surgeon's office informing me I was booked for Sept. 26, 2013. I was floored. That was a whole month to wait to get this cancer out. She told me that this wasn't really that long compared to others, and if she could get me in tomorrow she would. I also knew there were other women that needed to get in quicker. I understood and wrote my appointment down.

 

I also learned that I had to get mapping done a day before surgery. Mapping??? What is Mapping? My surgeon's receptionist told me it needs to be done before surgery. The correct terminology is Sentinel Node Mapping. It's a radioactive die they inject in your nipple to find the main (front line) lymph node. "You are going to put WHAT in my body?" Yes, I was freaked. To calm me down I just kept singing, "Radioactive, Radioactive." I was so lucky I had my sister Jody and Lori to come to this appointment. Like I said, your in the dark and just having someone with you calmed the storm, even if it was for just a minute or two. I was grateful for those minutes because we would just giggle. A good giggle is sometimes all you need. I went for my mapping, did a CT scan and was ready for surgery the following day.

During that time I started getting into battle mode. I mean it's not easy finding your way. There were so many words I didn't want to use when it came to my diagnosis as I was already so wrapped up in my roller-coaster emotional ride.  I know that many women use the word "Journey" when describing their own heartache with their Cancer but I was truly well into a journey of my own. I  didn't want Cancer to define me or choose my path. I wanted to control it and make it my story, so I call it Julie's Quest. Quest to me means, A to Z, power and fierce. It also makes me feel like a kickass Warrior! Haha

I am also so blessed to have a couple of amazing warriors by my side. They have been nothing but supportive and loving. These two individuals below have been in my life since I was a rockin', cool, badass teen and have always been able to make me giggle and they didn't disappoint! They call themselves my Ninjas.

This is Mama Peg. She has long been one of my favorites... always keeping me wanting to be crazy and live my life to my fullest. Sadly her strengths come from experience. Her life has gone through great pain, but never blinked an eye when hearing of my diagnosis. "Keep that convo for the garage." 

 

I love you Pegsters...

I have something absolutely hilarious for you all to read. Two days after my diagnosis, my momma Pegs wrote me this. My whole family was with me as I read this text out loud. Let's just say, it lifted all of our spirits and put us in the ugly laugh. Thanks Mamma!  Here it is for you all to enjoy...

Hey pretty lady. I think you must be psychic. I have been thinking about you constantly since Krista told me about the damn stupid cancer. I am going to be in Calgary on the 4th of September and will come and see you.

Don't worry to much its just cancer you and me and everyone else who loves you will send lightning bolts of energy at that stupid lump. It's going to flee in terror and take any of its hangers on with it.

So here's what I want you to do. Find a quiet space put on a song that's light and happy and makes you smile. for me it's brown eyed girl or feeling groovy, then sit back with a glass of wine and a fat doobie and think about all of us who love you.

Imagine we are your army aiming ninja kicks and karate chops at that cancer, but please make sure I look like Sigourney weaver in the aliens, she was one Rambo tuff broad! You can make Krista laura from from tomb raiders, Nathan should be michelangelo from the tmnt. Anyways you get the idea everyone you love, your girls your mom your friends are all this elite fighting force and we are attacking the cancer from every side. Course we are singing a jive talking as we go.

Even in battle we need comic relief. You'll probably feel warmer, battles bring up a fierce sweat(thank god you won't be able to smell us since we'll be inside you.)

Just think of everyone's love turned into this fighting force that is going to corral the cancer and starve it to nothingness!

You will win this Jules. It's gonna be scary hon I know it. Just grit your teeth and lean on all of us. Hey you made it thru tummy tuck and even if they do a mastectomy you can get bigger better boobs.

Maybe they make them with teeny tiny motors so when your bored you can make them dance and jiggle like a bowl of jelly!

Jules you are an amazing loving woman now you have to be a determined fight women. No thoughts but how your going to kick cancer in the jewels and take it down!

I am your captain baby. Every night I am going to concentrate my thoughts on your boobies.

That sounds kinda gay and creepy but I'm chuckling cause I see them doing a little dance to we are the champions!

I'll text you every day if you'd like. I think we might need a write down all your fighting forces and then get Nate to bring them to comic life.

Love you Jules always in your corner and in your booby.

Love mama peg.

Mamma Pegs beautiful daughter and my best friend for many years, Krista. Just another ninja in my booby doing their job. Love ya girl..



Surgeon day..

On August 26th I was to meet my surgeon. I already knew what kind of cancer I had. I had (ICD) Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It was a grade 2, estrogen positive and her 2- (not protein fed). I didn't really understand the lingo, so I read into it more.

Estrogen + means it feeds off the estrogen in my body

Grade 2 is how it mutates, where mine is a bit slower growing. Not as slow as a grade 1, but still slower.

Her2- means mine does not grow off protein. I wish I knew more about this, but I only knew the prognosis was good. Nobody wants to hear they have cancer, but once they do they get as educated as they can.

After meeting Dr. Rothwell (my surgeon) and his wonderful team, I was relieved to hear that they were amazed I was able to discover my Tumor. It was biopsied at a 1.3cm lump. I explained to them that it was in beautiful Osoyoos where I discovered it. All they kept saying was..."good on ya girl!" and all I kept whispering to myself was.... "thanks for looking out for me dad!"

Once the Surgeon felt around and such he sat me and Tim down to discuss the options. He said because of the small size he would rather do a lumpectomy and went on to say 80% of women with such a small lump opt for this procedure. Ultimately, it was my decision and could decide a few days before the surgery if I was to choose a mastectomy instead. I think after seeing the surgeon, I felt a little relief. Neither Tim or myself slept the nights leading up to that appointment. It was and still very much is a frightening place to be. At this point the stress was alleviated..... for now.  All I wanted was to get this damn cancer out of me!!

I have Breast Cancer

August 22, 2013 I got the call to come see my Doctor for the results. After hanging up the phone I called my sweet Jody and cried. She cried with me. I told her this, " Jody, if this is breast cancer I need you to be prepared." I needed so badly for Jody to be good if even if it was bad news. I (at that moment) was worried about Jody. I was worried because I already had that feeling, like I said in previous posts, I already knew I was up for a fight.

As I left my driveway that day, I sang over and over again Hurricane by ms mr! I was singing it so loud and hoping when I got to the doctor's office I'd hear good news. You see, I never lost the hope even knowing I was going to hear the worst.
sitting in the doctors office waiting was enough to make me go crazy. As I looked up I saw the door open and I instantly started crying. My doctor looked at me and said, " I don't have good news, Julie." She told me I had breast cancer and was teary eyed telling me. Everything else she told me was a blur. I asked her if I could take the papers and read them myself. She agreed and I was out of there.

Driving home was a bunch of phone calls and tears.. Many tears. I had breast cancer.... 38 years old wondering how could this have happened to me. The only 3 people I didn't really talk to were my beautiful daughters. I wanted to tell them in person. I knew they were waiting for me at home. As I drove up the driveway I looked at myself in the mirror, and took a deep breath. I was still crying as I opened the door to see my girls waiting for me at the table. Once we all made eye contact they knew what I was about to tell them.. All we could do was hold each other tight, and cry....

I had a lot of people visit me the weekend following my diagnosis. I needed my family. I needed to wrap my head around what was about to be my world, but instead I found myself at the bottom of a wine bottle for 2 days straight. I knew I had cancer, but I didn't want to believe it. I felt like I was in a dream. I still want to wake up. You will hear me say that often because it just feels so surreal.

Day of Biopsy

Walking back into that place was so hard. All I wanted to do was Jump back in the truck with Tim(Husband)  and go straight back home. I was still feeling confident it was going to be nothing, but deep down was getting myself ready for the worst.

The biopsy began, but to my surprise they were also going to biopsy a Lymph Node. Right then and there I started balling. My body was shaking uncontrollably and I was an utter mess. The Technician looked at me and said, "Julie, It is a small lump. You need to stay strong and fight." It was like she already knew what she had seen. I calmed myself down and allowed them to do there job. If anyone is wondering out there, it didn't hurt at all. Some people told me it really hurt, but in my experience I want to let you all know it didn't hurt at all. The only thing that hurt was the "knowing" something is seriously wrong.

Once out of there, I ran to the truck and cried. I didn't stop crying. I drove to my sister Lori's and sobbed in her backyard and she cried with me. It was like we both didn't want to know, but in some sort of weird way we knew it was more serious then what we thought. My sister Lori was a lot more positive then I was. All my beautiful girl friends were just as positive. They thought, its just Julie being paranoid. For those few days before the result came in, I stayed positive like my sisters did, I giggled with my friends saying " I'm just paranoid." But behind the phone, and behind closed doors I knew.

On the August 21st I was so stressed out that I needed to drink a nice bottle of  red. Tim joined me drinking his beer and we sat in the front just talking and watching Mayson and her good friend Eden dress up like zombies. I couldn't help but take some good pics.

 

Then all of a sudden in tears and trying to convince myself that what I know isn't what it is, a beautiful humming bird comes up right beside me to get some nectar off a beautiful flower I planted. It was so beautiful. It not only came back once but it came back three times. I knew it was a good omen. What purpose it was going to have on my life, I was unsure. I just knew through whatever storm I hit, there will be sunshine again. There will be beauty, and there will be life.

 

 

It was literally this close to me. It wasn't afraid. That day, I was grateful for that humming bird. For that evening all my worries went away.

 

 

Weathering the storm

I came back from Osoyoos, BC and got on the phone immediately and called to have a mammogram. They booked my in for Aug. 7. I didn't have long to wait for this appointment, but it felt like forever. I hadn't known I had cancer, but what I felt in my left breast did not feel normal. On the day of the appointment I was feeling pretty confident that everything was going to be ok.

I arrived at the clinic and there I was squishing my breast in this machine. I knew what to expect because I have done them before. Women always wonder if it hurts and I tell them, no it doesn't hurt at all. The tech had finished her screening and then came up to me oh so jolly saying I think you need to go for an ultrasound. Looking over my papers again she said, "oh, one is already scheduled for you." I was a little alarmed, seeing that the tech was sending me for an ultrasound not even knowing one was set up for me. In the past I've always done both. By this point my mind was racing. I'm starting to think that what I felt in Osoyoos was....Breast Cancer??

I got myself all prepared for the ultrasound. The Technician took many pictures. I felt like I was in there for hours. She then took many pictures under my armpit. I knew this was normal, so I didn't panic. Once she was done, she told me to wait while she asked another technician to give a second opinion on what she found.

It didn't take long for the second technician to look at my pictures and say they needed to see me in a day or two. What? All I could was cry. Everything I was fearing was becoming a reality and I hadn't even been diagnosed. As I walked out of that room I felt this uneasy feeling come over me and sobbed in the change room. A few minutes later I got myself together and went to the front desk to set up my appointment for a biopsy. To my surprise they couldn't get me in till August 19th. I had to wait 12 days to find out what that was in my breast, but deep down I already knew.

My family and I went camping to pass the time with some of the most wonderful people I know. For the most part, I enjoyed myself and tried not to think about what was possibly growing in my breast. I could shut it off, but there were some days I went through panic attacks. My sweet sister-in-law, Jilly would have to calm me down. When I look back at that trip, I now realize how enjoyable it was. We allowed ourselves to just be in the moment. I had many giggles with my brother-in-law Denis and great chillin' time with BK and TK. The kids were playing, swimming, kayaking.  A lot of memories were made this summer in Wasa.

My Story

I was sitting in my twins backyard wondering, "what are we going to do this summer?" In the past we always headed to Osoyoos, BC where my parents bought a house. It was a retirement home for the two of them to enjoy and finally put themselves first. After raising 4 daughter of their own, mom and dad were ready to be empty nesters and live in beautiful British Columbia. Sadly for my father, it was short lived. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 Esophageal Cancer. We were all devastated. My father lived a year after diagnosis. He passed away January 4th 2004.  My mom decided to keep the house and since then, we have enjoyed many summer holidays in Osoyoos.

This past summer, my twin sis Jods and I decided we weren't going to head to Osoyoos. Considering  we go every year, we thought we might try something different.

What were we going to do?

We pondered and both looked at each other and said " why wouldn't we go to Osoyoos, we love it there." So it was final, we were planning another beautiful trip to Osoyoos, BC.

We finally arrived and were so excited because this time instead of staying at my Mom's place the whole time we made reservations to stay in Jody and Ken's Condo. It was a beautiful time with amazing weather.

We all loved our time together. Every day/evening we would head down to my mom's for a few cocktails and share our stories. I'm not sure what the conversations were about, probably health and living a life fulfilled instead of living it with the cup half empty when I discovered a lump in my breast. I kept feeling it for it didn't feel normal. Shortly after that I got my sister, Jody, to come feel it. She gave me this funny look and said, "um, I'd get that checked." When my mom felt it she said, "oh, it's probably nothing but I'd go check it out." After feeling it a bit I never gave it much thought. I figured once I'm home I'd deal with it then.

The night before Jody and I left to go back home we were both uneasy about something. Our sleep that night felt like no sleep at all. The "things" I was dreaming about kept me up all night. I noticed Jody tossing and turning as well. I didn't want to wake her, but a few times she was screaming in her sleep. I left her alone and tried my hardest to get some rest. Morning came and we were off, back to awesome Alberta. About 3 hours into our drive I looked at Jods and said I needed to talk to her about a dream I had. She looked at me with a strange look and said she also had odd dreams that night. I started off by telling her of the faces I was seeing. They were native people screaming at me, but I could hear them. There faces so close to mine screaming words, but nothing was coming out. Jods, looked at me with wide eyes and said, "that was my dream too Jules!"

The reason I'm telling you all this, is because this was the beginning of what will be the biggest and most challenging year of my life. I wouldn't know it then, but as I go further on in my story I realize I'm going to have to get ready for battle.